February 19, 1993

That is the day I became a Mum for the first time. Now, I had dogs, but this was THE time I gave birth to another human. My flesh, my blood and my tears. I like to tell my sons how I was gutted so that both of them could have life. A little dramatic, sure, but funny as hell too. They laugh and just look at me like "OMG Shut UP!" What more could a Mum ask for? hahahahaha.

It was 2ish am and I had had contractions for 2 hours regularly. I call in and they tell me  to hike my  cookies to Northside. THE baby hospital in the ATL. My baby daddy and I get into the car and drive the 30 minutes to Atlanta. I will tell you that my ex was very disappointed because there was no traffic and he really wanted to run red lights and speed. Probably the only time he did speed was this time and when I had Spencer. The man drives slower than my dead grandma, which is why I always drove. However, for some reason, didn't really feel like driving while I was having gut wrenching contractions.

Anyhoo, we get to the hospital and they admit us and I put on that Donna Karan hospital gown, tres chic. Another thing you should know about my ex, he is the worst in scary situations. The man was and is the last person you should count on to help you keep it together, he was such a girl when the earthquakes hit in California. But I digress, so he is pacing like a dumbarse and I am calm, AND I'M THE ONE WHO THINKS SHE IS PUSHING THIS BABY OUT OF HER VA-JAY JAY. Just saying.  The nurse wants to 'take a look' weirdo, I know. And then utters the worst words a nurse can say to a first time Mum to be, "I don't like what I'm feeling." I'm sorry, let me change it up for you hag. So she brings in another nurse and they agree, yes, somethings a foot. Grrreat!! Can we call in the passerbys too and let them have a feel while we're all up in there? Now, they have brought in an IV, just in case, and my ex has called my Mum to tell her what's going on. Two points I must make at this juncture. 1) When I first told my Mum that I was due in February, her first comments were, "any day but the 19th because I have to be out of town for a conference". Guess what, Skyler didn't care about her time table. 2) My Mum is a nurse, so you can imagine the panic in her voice when her first born, that would be me, was going into labor. OK, so after the "not liking" nurses get done they send in the hottest Ob/Gyn I have ever laid eyes on. Those of you who have kids you know you don't look good, and you don't feel good and the last thing you want is a hottie doc checking out your privates. Oh, and he brought 3 interns with him, well Yahtzee! Let's all have a party, shall we? He checks me and yep, he's not liking it either. It's a good thing my va jay-jay didn't get a complex from all these negative Nelly's, but she survived as did I. OK, so now he wants to bring in the ultra sound machine so he can visualize where our bundle of joy is. Um hello, why don't we ask the one who is carrying him, I could tell you. The ultra sound shows baby right side up, he was down and in position not 8 hours prior, and oh yeah, sucking his thumb with his head up. Dr Hottie decides he cannot try to turn him, which quite honestly, sounded more painful then pushing his ass out. So guess what? Let's scrub her up for a C-section. Oh boy! I get to be sliced open, yay!
As soon as they put that epidural in me, I went white and started shaking from the cold. "Is  this  normal?"  I  ask "sure, sometimes" is what I get. Now, at this point I want my freaking Mum because now I'm scared and my ex is of no use to me. My Mum and sister walk in, and Mum takes one look at the hottie doc and tells my sister to 'go put some make up on', REALLY???? Mind you said doc has just returned from his honeymoon, so Debra wasn't going to make any strides there. But typical Mummy, said with love of course. Now that we are all here, my Dad was coming up later, they wheel my ashen, freezing arse to the OR. I'm shivering and they have the gall to tell me to stop moving. Sure, as soon as you warm my arse up, I will jackhole. At 10:04 AM, my beautiful blond 7 pound 21 inch son was born. He was the most  amazing  thing I had ever seen, until beloved #2 was born. Completely worth the splotches I got on my face, the pre-eclampsia I got and the 45 pounds I gained. He was completely perfect and still is.

Tomorrow this number 1 son turns 20. I remember his birth like it was yesterday. I cannot help but tear at the memory and the pictures of that day. Because of Skyler Robert Mikhail Tisland, I am a Mum. Your first child is always special because they are your first. You learned together. If he dropped his pacifier you scalded that puppy before giving it to him. When Spencer came along I blew on it and stuffed it back into his yap. They both survived babydom so I guess I did OK. I live for both of my sons, I would walk into fire, a hurricane, a twister and a tsunami if it meant saving them from harm. They are my life, loves, and my blood. I cannot ever thank either of them enough for choosing me as their Mum. Happy Birthday Skyler! I love you more than anything. You complete me.

Things that piss me off!

First of all, let me start by saying I have mellowed quite a bit from my younger quick tempered self. However, there are still a few things that will send me over a couch to smack the crap out of you if you do the following:

1) It would be in your best interest and your health, to NOT tell me what I need to do or to tell me that I    CAN'T do something or DON'T do something. I will flip on you faster than Shamu on a trainer. No joke. I even think my eyes turn red with fire too. I'm just warning you.

2) If I call you and ask you to return the call, which I rarely do unless it's IMPORTANT, you might want to return said phone call. If you don't, I cannot be held responsible for my attitude the next time you want to chat.

3) If I text you, whether it be a question or just a comment, be nice and polite and reply back. If you don't, you are on the fast track of being deleted. Now, if that's what you are going for, then continue to be an asshat, that's fine. This one has no bearing on whether you are family, a lover and or bestie. It's universal is what I am saying.

4) If I have not asked your opinion on my hair, shirt whatever, DON'T GIVE ME YOUR OPINION. Unless it's a compliment then by all means, gush away, I have no problems with that. But I don't need "oh, I don't really like your hair color", um yeah, I don't recall asking you. Just walk away, it seems best and safer for you.

5) People who hang on me, and I did not invite that behavior. I'm not that touchy feely and I don't need you to 'claim' me on any level, thanks, again, keep moving.

6) Smokers who stand right outside a restaurant or bar and hover instead of letting us non smokers breathe fresh, OK semi fresh air. One night I will have a blow horn, and it won't be pretty, I'm just saying.

7) People who belittle other people just for sport. Yeah, no.

8) People who run their mouth about nothing and then are sweet to your face. Another reason why my "inner circle" is so small. I know whom I can trust. And if you aren't "in" I don't.

9) Girls who look me up and down when I walk into the bathroom. Once is sufficient, I get it, you haven't see a real live Princess before, but when you continue this? You are about to get a verbal beat down or the world famous "Korol" look and I will just get beyond rude, it has happened and it almost happened last night. I'm not a fighter or provoke such things, however, if you are going to be a little bitch, it's on.

10) People who know it all. NO ONE knows it's all, so shut up, none of us want to hear you spout off about crap we all know you don't know jack about.

Have a beautimus weekend people!