Not having the energy to do anything
Not wanting to be around anyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
Not wanting to feel anything
Not wanting to show anyone how sad you are
Not wanting to tell anyofne how "meh" you feel
Not wanting to bother anyone with your "I don't know why I feel this way" talk
Not wanting to get out of bed....ever....or off the couch
Not wanting to deal with bills
Not wanting to be...(in severe cases) thankfully I'm not that blah
Depression is something that only people who suffer from it can understand. My friends don't get why I don't want to go to work but I may feel like shopping. Well, shopping is an escape from reality whereas working is not. Going to work is full on dealing with everything and depressed people don't want to do that. To be honest, you don't feel like doing anything even shopping sometimes.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping he has answers. A few years ago we thought it was a hormone imbalance because after he gave me the pills for that, I felt "fixed". But here we are four years later and I'm back to blah mode. I don't like blah mode. I feel bad for my beloved dog because she loves going for walks. When I feel like this, the thought of putting shoes on, getting her harness and leash on just seem so overwhelming, too much work. So we don't go. She snuggles on my lap while I watch tv. Really productive I know, but it's about all I can muster.
And listen, I don't blog about this for attention, I really abhor any form of that, unless it's my birthday and I'm all about cake. I have a great group of friends who would come over and try to "cheer me up". But again, depression isn't a break up with a guy, or a loss of any kind. You can't bring over wine and cake and cheer someone up. It doesn't work that way......but as always, I will be ok. Maybe it is time for some anti-depressants. As we age our bodies change and what used to work doesn't anymore. And that's ok, I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to harm myself, I couldn't do that to my kids. I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago and I'm still devastated. Which now that I say that, I always feel lost around this time of year. From February to his death April 11, I'm not myself.
As always thank you for reading and listening. I blog to share my feelings in ways I normally wouldn't. It's easier to write down feelings than to look someone in the eye or on the phone and tell them how sad you are. I don't anyone to reach out and ask if they can do anything but honestly, there isn't. I know my friends are there for me if I should want to reach out. All my peeps are fantastic that way.
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug. Life is short, make sure you enjoy what time you have left. :)
