Disappointment....

I don't care what age you are, disappointment never gets easier. As early as childhood when say you wanted to go play at a friend's house and you couldn't for whatever reason, you felt disappointed. I remember growing up and people would say things about others or do things that weren't very kind to others, and all involved would be hurt, confused and again disappointed. That feeling is one of the more hurtful feelings one can endure.


As you grow older your reasons for being disappointed with someone, a situation, an inanimate object all change, but your feelings never do. With disappointment or betrayal it all hurts the same. You watch the news and you are disappointed in the world, our culture, our people as a whole and it's the same hurt, the same wondering of why.


I always say how much I hate people, which my Mother loathes, but sorry, disappointment is one of those reasons. I let someone in and get close enough for me to care about them, their lives, kids, animals, other friends etc and then disappointment hits. Recently I was told that I bring drama, and hate and other fabulous feelings and this is why we were no longer friends. Ok, I can accept some of that blame, but I refuse to take it all. I have always said out loud, if I don't like someone, I cannot hide my feelings, never have and sorry, but at 900 years old, it doesn't look good for that to change now. If I have to lose more friends because they have sided with another friend, then so be it. I will never ask people to choose one friend over the other, but know that if you speak of this friend, I will not add to the conversation unless I stick up for them. But I wont be adding to the fire with more comments because then it gets back to others and I'm the bad guy.


Life is hard enough as it is without people adding their two cents to others friend relationships. We all know this but sometimes we get so invested in a person and we care so deeply for them and don't want to see them get hurt it backfires on us. Lesson learned. Keep your most intimate feelings to yourself. .


Happy Monday to all.

You know you suck as a parent when......

I love my children, adore them even and spent many years, tears and money trying to have them but it doesn't matter how much you want a child sometimes you just have to face the fact that as hard as you tried to be everything you thought was a good parent, you fail. I have come to that bridge with mine. My sons are older and one is even technically, an adult, with the 'baby' only 5 months behind being an adult as well. My bestie had her first this past October and I remember all those baby days, then the toddler years, the snarky teen years, which I don't foresee mine ever growing out of, cant imagine why, and now adult years. This past Mother's Day I realized just how little my kids want to spend time with me. And don't sit there and read this and go 'Oh poor Alana' that's not what I'm looking for here. Just writing down my thoughts.....


When the divorce first happened, my youngest was barely two so he has never known living with both his parents whereas my older child was 7 and very aware of what was happening. He was and still is Team Dad, and my youngest was Team Mum, and that's ok. Even if the family stayed together I believe it would still be that way. Skyler and I not only look alike but we are too much alike and butt heads from time to time, where Spencer and I just flow together with each other, not at each other. We had equal time with the kids in the beginning. I had two days and every other weekend and he had the same. As Skyler got older he didn't want to spend the weekends with me so he stayed with his father, I fought it originally, but I realized if that's what he wants, then that's what I would give him. He still came over the week nights  and we still did things like vacay's or moovies or whatever else I had planned.


Spencer on the other hand never wanted to leave me. So even on my off days, I would keep him and in the summer every weekend he would stay. I loved it because I knew one day all of that would end and he would get a life and want to stay more with his brother and be there. Middle school that day came. Again, I was ok with it as long as that made him happy. To this day they still both come over for dinners on 'my' nights and still alternate the holidays as it was written, and it works out well. Instead of me going out every other weekend it was changed to being able to meet up with my friends every weekend if wanted.


A few weeks ago Spencer was after school rehearsing for his awesome character Lurch so he didn't make it to my house for dinners but Skyler would roll over. I should've just stood at the end of the driveway and held a to go bag because he came in ate and then immediately left. Great seeing you too, thanks for carving a huge 15 minutes out of your day to hang with me.


Mother's Day was almost as quick. Spencer has always given me something, either a cookie cake, or flowers or a gift, Skyler's comments are either "that's from both of us" or "you have me, that's your gift". Spencer however, always states the gifts are solely from him as he paid and went to get whatever it was I received. They did pick me up and take me to lunch. When lunch was done it was like 'get out of the car as fast as you can lady' because I got hugs and then I turned to wave and poof, they were gone. It made me realize that I am not the Mum I thought I was. They love me because they have to, but they don't like me. If they did like me they would want to spend time with me. At least that's what I do when I like people, spend time with them. And I don't see myself as the annoying mother no one wants to be around.


Obviously, I have to work on that, but I can only do so much. I feel like I've been working to repair my relationship with Skyler since the divorce, I know he blames me, even though they both can see why I wanted out of the marriage. There is only so much a person can do to try to get another person to understand or care about it. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, lover or in my case my own flesh and blood. I just know each night I pray that I can somehow be a better Mum than I was today.


I know some parents understand how I feel. And if you don't then that means, you are doing a fantastic job and your kids like you as well as love you. I salute you and I'm envious.


Till the next time, hug hug, kiss kiss. And thank you for reading.

My new Puppy

As many of my local peeps know I have been wanting a French Bulldog for almost 2 years. This past weekend I finally got one. Her name is Princess Gigi Buttercup and she is now 11 weeks old. Like any new Mum, she is absolutely beautiful, smart, brilliant etc. She is cream and white with a white streak down her head to her pushed in nose. Meep. She is so fantastic that I created her very own FB page, because why wouldn't I? Who am I to deny the world her amazingness?


This week was filled with house training and introducing her to her feline brother and sister and her human brothers. I looked at adopting rescue's but a lot of them were 'no cats' and since I used to babysit an adult Frenchie and saw how he would try to eat the cats, I figured a puppy would be the best bet. I was correct! Gigi's breeder had a cat so she is so not interested in chasing them to eat them or bite them. She runs after them to play and they look at me like WTF Mum? But she's a complete angel and like her Mum and most of her aunts, she loves the sun. Every time we go out she does her business and lays in the sun. She is perfect. In a few weeks we are traveling down to FL for a beach trip. Frenchie's are not really fans of the heat but I'm not throwing her on the beach at noon to bake, so no worries my PETA friends. Not to mention, I will be going to get her a hat and sunglasses, DUH.


I look forward to watching her grow and learn each day. And you know how funny and interesting pets are.