I love my children, adore them even and spent many years, tears and money trying to have them but it doesn't matter how much you want a child sometimes you just have to face the fact that as hard as you tried to be everything you thought was a good parent, you fail. I have come to that bridge with mine. My sons are older and one is even technically, an adult, with the 'baby' only 5 months behind being an adult as well. My bestie had her first this past October and I remember all those baby days, then the toddler years, the snarky teen years, which I don't foresee mine ever growing out of, cant imagine why, and now adult years. This past Mother's Day I realized just how little my kids want to spend time with me. And don't sit there and read this and go 'Oh poor Alana' that's not what I'm looking for here. Just writing down my thoughts.....
When the divorce first happened, my youngest was barely two so he has never known living with both his parents whereas my older child was 7 and very aware of what was happening. He was and still is Team Dad, and my youngest was Team Mum, and that's ok. Even if the family stayed together I believe it would still be that way. Skyler and I not only look alike but we are too much alike and butt heads from time to time, where Spencer and I just flow together with each other, not at each other. We had equal time with the kids in the beginning. I had two days and every other weekend and he had the same. As Skyler got older he didn't want to spend the weekends with me so he stayed with his father, I fought it originally, but I realized if that's what he wants, then that's what I would give him. He still came over the week nights and we still did things like vacay's or moovies or whatever else I had planned.
Spencer on the other hand never wanted to leave me. So even on my off days, I would keep him and in the summer every weekend he would stay. I loved it because I knew one day all of that would end and he would get a life and want to stay more with his brother and be there. Middle school that day came. Again, I was ok with it as long as that made him happy. To this day they still both come over for dinners on 'my' nights and still alternate the holidays as it was written, and it works out well. Instead of me going out every other weekend it was changed to being able to meet up with my friends every weekend if wanted.
A few weeks ago Spencer was after school rehearsing for his awesome character Lurch so he didn't make it to my house for dinners but Skyler would roll over. I should've just stood at the end of the driveway and held a to go bag because he came in ate and then immediately left. Great seeing you too, thanks for carving a huge 15 minutes out of your day to hang with me.
Mother's Day was almost as quick. Spencer has always given me something, either a cookie cake, or flowers or a gift, Skyler's comments are either "that's from both of us" or "you have me, that's your gift". Spencer however, always states the gifts are solely from him as he paid and went to get whatever it was I received. They did pick me up and take me to lunch. When lunch was done it was like 'get out of the car as fast as you can lady' because I got hugs and then I turned to wave and poof, they were gone. It made me realize that I am not the Mum I thought I was. They love me because they have to, but they don't like me. If they did like me they would want to spend time with me. At least that's what I do when I like people, spend time with them. And I don't see myself as the annoying mother no one wants to be around.
Obviously, I have to work on that, but I can only do so much. I feel like I've been working to repair my relationship with Skyler since the divorce, I know he blames me, even though they both can see why I wanted out of the marriage. There is only so much a person can do to try to get another person to understand or care about it. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, lover or in my case my own flesh and blood. I just know each night I pray that I can somehow be a better Mum than I was today.
I know some parents understand how I feel. And if you don't then that means, you are doing a fantastic job and your kids like you as well as love you. I salute you and I'm envious.
Till the next time, hug hug, kiss kiss. And thank you for reading.
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