My Beloveds..My Loves, My Heart (what's left of it)

Where to begin when I speak of my "Twin Towers", my  "Bouncers", my life. I always knew I would have kids, I just didn't realize how much time it would take to achieve them. But once we had a hold on the issue, I was blessed with two beautiful bouncing, happy sons.

The first born beloved was beyond easy in terms of pregnancy, cravings, size. The foods I craved while pregnant with him, is now his favorite foods. Kind of neat when you think about how your cravings were from another life you grew. The only "complication" I had with him while pregnant was that he was causing PreEclampsia. No biggie. So I gained a few extra pounds, and I got bloated and had the "mask of pregnancy" pshhh, Skyler was totally worth it. As I have written before, I had to have a C-section with both of my children. Skyler flipped and had his head up and was sucking his thumb and they didn't want to try and turn him inutero. Thank the heavens for small miracles, as I have a high pain threshold, however, none of that sounded comfortable. ;p

As Skyler grew,  he was a happy, smiling, gap toothed baby who loved Goofy. I think it's because he could relate to his gap teeth. :)...Every year we would take him to Disney World for his birthday. He loved hugging the characters, and wouldn't care if there was a line, he would just run up there and hug them. But because he was so adorable no one said anything. Naturally, I was always screeching "there's a line!" but people would say it was "ok" or wave me a sign. That's how much charisma this child had. He had blond spiky hair, and deep blue eyes. He was our little "Rooski".

My second baby boy Spencer, was the biggest baby I had ever seen, but you know, 10 pounders don't tend to be small at all. I was eating pepcid like it was candy, oy! He won his pediatrician the "baby lotto" the day he was born. Claim to fame at only hours old. He too was a sweet baby, and by 4 months was sleeping through the night. Unlike his brother who didn't sleep completely until he was 3 1/2. But I blame his Dad on that. Skyler would make a slight noise and Dad was in there comforting him. With Spencer he could scream bloody murder and Dad would say "he's ok". Nice. Spencer was Mommy's little Pooh Bear.

 I sang songs to both my sons and I even made some up while I was changing them or cuddling them or putting them to bed. At bedtime, both of them received a book reading. Like most kids, they loved to be read to. Both of them still read, just one does it off the computer and the other likes to actually read from a book. I'm with the latter, I still like holding the book and flipping pages. Old school like his Momma. :)

Now one son is a bonafide adult at 21 1/2, and the other will be 17 in 3 months. Sniff. Where did the time go? It goes by way too fast, and I tell new parents now when they talk about the sleepless nights, or the sickness, or the terrible two phases, you will miss this, ALL of this because before you know it, you are the grandparent and wonder how all of that happened without you feeling like you got older.

Kisses to all.

10 Signs your man is more of a girl than you.....

I have dated some unique men in my day, but some of these guys took the tiara from me. Exhibit A:

10. If you open your sunroof and the first words out of his mouth are "OH! My hair!".

9.   He takes longer to get dressed than you do.

8.   When meeting your friends he extends a limp handshake. (side bar they still make fun of me)

7.   When he has a tramp stamp, and you don't.

6.   When he has a toe ring, and you don't.

5.   When he tells a story or gets super excited and his hands flail more than a 15 year old girl whose 
       crush just asked her out.

4.   His hands are softer and more feminine than yours and most of your girlfriends.

3.   He has less body hair than you do.

2.   He hires people to fix things around the house and do yard work.

And the number one sign you're dating a girl-man:

1.   You think he is done with his hair and he has to go back upstairs to finish. When you  ask  why, his reply is "It's a process!".  

God save the Queen.......until we meet again, kissy kissy

Depression...it's not just for breakfast anymore..

I try to be real, honest and forthcoming in my blogs. This will be no exception. I will also include some humor so that you get this may be sad but it does have some funny moments.

I have dealt with depression since I was a teen. Of course then I thought it was because I was a teen. I felt so lost, lonely etc. As I got older I would have 'sad' days but it would pass. When I first went through my divorce it was really hard, I was very sad and hated the fighting and arguing that would ensue regarding custody. But again, I rebounded as I have all through my life.

A few years ago I was given a prescription for Prozac and it wasn't for depression it was for anxiety. Things at work and home that had never bothered me before were now too much for me to handle. Which if you know me, you would know that's not me. I deal, I handle and I conquer all that needs to be done. Always have and I always will. I'm not Tom Cruise who thinks people with depression need to just exercise or eat better or just "suck it up". Hey freakazoid, not all of us are special or pretend as well as you.

Last fall I started feeling down and really lost. I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, it wasn't an exciting year, I was dreading the holidays because the only sibling I had was now gone. I felt like a total bitch because my kids and my Mum were being caught in the middle of how they were going to celebrate the holidays. Thankfully, my kids get we will never have the Korol family get togethers we had in the past. They will have time with me, their Dad and their Aunt. I'm completely ok with that. It's nice to see she is finally spending quality time with them after all these years. The problem that I have is that she goes to my baby daddy's house for dinner and invites him to her house as well. But hey, whatever makes it right in her mind. It no longer bothers me. But this is when my depression started hitting, last September.

So in November I ask for a refill for Prozac, as I had stopped taking it for 2 years. My doc did and this go around it just didn't lift me the way it had in the past. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't "me" either. I don't like being the gloomy, party pooper in the group. I like to be the postive, uplifting, glass is half full girl. I completely believe in karma and giving out good thoughts and vibes into the Universe for good to come back to you. February through Father's Day is no longer a good time for me as when my Dad passed he was hospitalized from February until his passing in April. Every year it still brings that all back. This year however, went so much better. I didn't cry this Father's Day so go me. I had spent the weekend with a high school bestie, Stephanie and her husband Michael. I've known these two since I was 16, and they still make me laugh. She has not changed one bit, which is good. Her sense of humor is what I love about her. I was also blessed with friends calling to check on me to make sure I was ok because they knew it was a tough day. I've said it before and I will yell it again, my inner circle rocks like no other. They are good to me and hopefully, I am just as good to them.

I had started going to the doctor for tests as I couldn't figure out why I was so tired and listless. I love hanging with my peeps, but some days I literally had no energy after either meeting them for a meal or a shopping trip. Again, this is not me. After taking all the physical tests and them returning negative for anything, which is really a joy, I'm at least healthy body wise. I was referred to a shrink so she could see if perhaps another medicine might help Alana get her groove back. This kind woman asked me when these symptoms started and what has happened since then. I relayed everything and watching her face and comments made me realize, ok, it's not me being a brat or being stubborn, this really is fucked up. My friends all told me that, but you know, your friends are going to support you. But when a professional tells you these scenarios are not right, yeah, it made me feel better.

I have always been a self preservation type of person. I will strike first if I think you are going to hurt me. If you hurt me, I will recoil and disengage. After getting my new script and feeling like "me" again, I know that I cannot control others actions or decisions, I can only control how I deal with it or not deal with it. If you read this blog and it upsets you, I'm sorry. I will not, I can not, change how I feel just to save your feelings.  And no, I don't want to discuss that event any further.

 As they say "you do you boo!" That's what I'm doing.