I try to be real, honest and forthcoming in my blogs. This will be no exception. I will also include some humor so that you get this may be sad but it does have some funny moments.
I have dealt with depression since I was a teen. Of course then I thought it was because I was a teen. I felt so lost, lonely etc. As I got older I would have 'sad' days but it would pass. When I first went through my divorce it was really hard, I was very sad and hated the fighting and arguing that would ensue regarding custody. But again, I rebounded as I have all through my life.
A few years ago I was given a prescription for Prozac and it wasn't for depression it was for anxiety. Things at work and home that had never bothered me before were now too much for me to handle. Which if you know me, you would know that's not me. I deal, I handle and I conquer all that needs to be done. Always have and I always will. I'm not Tom Cruise who thinks people with depression need to just exercise or eat better or just "suck it up". Hey freakazoid, not all of us are special or pretend as well as you.
Last fall I started feeling down and really lost. I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, it wasn't an exciting year, I was dreading the holidays because the only sibling I had was now gone. I felt like a total bitch because my kids and my Mum were being caught in the middle of how they were going to celebrate the holidays. Thankfully, my kids get we will never have the Korol family get togethers we had in the past. They will have time with me, their Dad and their Aunt. I'm completely ok with that. It's nice to see she is finally spending quality time with them after all these years. The problem that I have is that she goes to my baby daddy's house for dinner and invites him to her house as well. But hey, whatever makes it right in her mind. It no longer bothers me. But this is when my depression started hitting, last September.
So in November I ask for a refill for Prozac, as I had stopped taking it for 2 years. My doc did and this go around it just didn't lift me the way it had in the past. I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't "me" either. I don't like being the gloomy, party pooper in the group. I like to be the postive, uplifting, glass is half full girl. I completely believe in karma and giving out good thoughts and vibes into the Universe for good to come back to you. February through Father's Day is no longer a good time for me as when my Dad passed he was hospitalized from February until his passing in April. Every year it still brings that all back. This year however, went so much better. I didn't cry this Father's Day so go me. I had spent the weekend with a high school bestie, Stephanie and her husband Michael. I've known these two since I was 16, and they still make me laugh. She has not changed one bit, which is good. Her sense of humor is what I love about her. I was also blessed with friends calling to check on me to make sure I was ok because they knew it was a tough day. I've said it before and I will yell it again, my inner circle rocks like no other. They are good to me and hopefully, I am just as good to them.
I had started going to the doctor for tests as I couldn't figure out why I was so tired and listless. I love hanging with my peeps, but some days I literally had no energy after either meeting them for a meal or a shopping trip. Again, this is not me. After taking all the physical tests and them returning negative for anything, which is really a joy, I'm at least healthy body wise. I was referred to a shrink so she could see if perhaps another medicine might help Alana get her groove back. This kind woman asked me when these symptoms started and what has happened since then. I relayed everything and watching her face and comments made me realize, ok, it's not me being a brat or being stubborn, this really is fucked up. My friends all told me that, but you know, your friends are going to support you. But when a professional tells you these scenarios are not right, yeah, it made me feel better.
I have always been a self preservation type of person. I will strike first if I think you are going to hurt me. If you hurt me, I will recoil and disengage. After getting my new script and feeling like "me" again, I know that I cannot control others actions or decisions, I can only control how I deal with it or not deal with it. If you read this blog and it upsets you, I'm sorry. I will not, I can not, change how I feel just to save your feelings. And no, I don't want to discuss that event any further.
As they say "you do you boo!" That's what I'm doing.
No comments:
Post a Comment