When I was little I had this fantasy that I would be happily married with 2.5 kids, a dog and I would travel the world with my husband. And then.....reality hit. I was happily married and we did travel but not so much once the kids came along, only 2, I don't know where the .5 one went. :)
I had a pretty good childhood, adored my Dad had issues with my Mum occasionally, but I knew they were there and they loved me. After almost 10 years of bliss with me they decided to bring another child to our household. I wasn't super excited to welcome another but no one asked me until it was too late. She was supposed to be the boy Dad wanted, I was always supposed to be a girl. That tells you all you need to know about life after that child was born. hahahhaha...Anyhoo, we all adapted blah blah blah.
Once my now ex husband came into the picture my relationship with my Mum changed. Both are manipulative and think they are always right so dinners were always a good time with me in the middle. I have him on one side complaining that I didn't stick up for him and her on the other side telling me I needed to take up for the family. Once you marry and have kids the family dynamic you grew up with now changes to "your family" being your spouse and kids and the parents were now another subset of the family. No longer your core family. My marriage had issues and some were generated by my Mum. I would dread having to go to my parents house because I knew what would happen. It got to be so stressful that I started making excuses as to why we couldn't come up. At the time we lived about 2 hours away so they were close enough yet far enough away. While I may have had my problems with Mum she was and is the most amazing grandmother. I was lucky with her parents but my kids really hit the lotto with her. She has always been there for every event, birthday, holiday, surgery etc. They really have no complaints and I don't believe they do. Now the fun part starts.
Five and half years ago my beloved Dad passed. In the past when I had arguments with the sibling or Mum he was the one who would come to me and ask me to "fix this" because it was hard on him. After time I would acquiesce. I haven't spoken to my sibling in 4 years now and then because she would lie to me or tell the sibling my business, I haven't spoken to my Mum since January. Recently she was in the hospital to put a pacemaker in and now she's having kidney issues. My kids, understandably, are a wreck. My ex's parents were older and by the time he had my boys they were either passed or my kids were too young to remember meeting them. My parents are all my kids have had and now they only have their grandmother. I get that. I recall how devastated I was when I lost my maternal grandmother and then maternal grandfather 6 months later. My kids are lucky in that I lost mine at 16 and they still have my Mum and they are 20 and 24. I call that a win in my book.
My youngest is "appalled" at me that I don't speak with my "family" and he finds me "childish". Now, at the time this went down I told my oldest exactly what had transpired but not the youngest since I felt he was young and I didn't really want to skew his view of his grandmother. I reached out to both my sons last week as I was feeling some distance was being created. My oldest says he's good but he wishes I would reconnect with them and my youngest, well you see the quoted words.
I have had depression issues for years but didn't realize that's what it was until a few years ago. Last week I was in a depression spiral, but thanks to hormones I wasn't suicidal. I'm still struggling to get back to "me" but this issue with my sons hasn't helped that. Unlike others, I cannot just go and slap on a smile and pretend all is well, that's not me, that's never been me and here we are.
I finally get what Meat Loaf was saying when he sang "But I can't do that" from "Two out of Three" one of my all time fave songs.
As always kids, be kind, be happy and remove yourself from anything that doesn't help you achieve those goals. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug
