I had a party....

Last Saturday, I had a cookout. I haven't had a part-tay in a few years, so I gathered my Buford Shore babes, my hilarious friends, and my girls that I hang with  Twas a lovely October afternoon/evening. Buford Shore Matthew, invited peeps he knew, so we had more than expected, but since I knew most of them, and nothing is missing from the house, all was well. My friend Baab brought brisket that was to die for, seriously, it would cure the war issue. Baab makes me laugh like few do. He is so quick with the wit, sarcastic, funny and does a mean Ethel Merman. My newly pregnant couple Cate and Andrew came up from J-ville. That was a big treat as most of us have not seen them since they left in August. You really feel how much people mean to you, when they come visit. Anyhoo, as the night wore on, it got a tad chilly, so I broke out the bonfire. My back yard is big enough to create a pit, and as luck would have it, a tree limb or 3 fell down a few days before, so even more wood for our fire. My friend G tended to the fire and kept us all warm and toasty, darn me for not picking up marshmallow's, next time. The Buford Shore tore, yes I did say tore, the attached fallen limbs and kept our fire snugly. I put white lights in my pine tree limbs, you know, for ambiance, and I had my Ipod jamming from Country, to Rock, to 80's and 90's dance music. All was lovely and then this femme fatale that Matthew is sharing bed space with, showed up. She was nice and quiet, initially, then they ran to another party for about an hour or so, and when they came back, WHOA NELLY! Out came obnoxiously drunk cougar. But like I said, she started off nice. I have some really unique friends who mean a lot to me. And whenever any of the Buford Shore is ready to tear down my deck and rebuild it, I have the food and beer for payment......

Rock of Love Came to Wild Bills Friday Night!

My posse and I went to WB's Friday night for Bret Freaking Michaels, yes, that's right, BM. He rocked it like it was 1990 baby. He was energetic, sang all the hits, and was as nice a guy as we all saw in the ROL trilogy. I haven't seen a crowd that large in some time. My friend Amby got us 4 passes, and then Deb, Shelly and I just watched the horror unfold. Some of the girls there looked like it was a casting call for ROL. WB's is usually a good time and the last time we all went these cubs were hitting on us. Entertaining as all get out, but you really don't want to tell us group of ladies you are a detective and then be shocked when none of us believe you. Especially since Amby knows quite a few police personnel and she starts asking you for exact location of your precinct and who do you know, etc. I almost felt bad for little cubby, notice I said almost. When you are wearing a douche bag outfit, and trying to be taller than us, which is hard, Amby alone is 5'10 and then she puts on the stripper heels, good luck baby. None of us are gullible either, OK fine, sometimes I am, but even I knew him being a detective was a crock. Stevie Wonder could see that lie. Even more knee slapping was the way some of the coupled girls dressed. Good lord, even when I was married I never looked that bad. These girls obviously don't own mirrors or blow dryers. Have some pride in yourself ladies, and you won't have to wonder why your man is looking around at the beauties who do have some vanity.

Men Intimidated????

Over the years, I've had friends in the dating pool. One of the 'go to' lines I hear them say, when a guy hasn't returned their call, or shown the right amount of interest, has been "he's intimidated by me." Yeah, sorry, NO, this is not the case. If this was true no woman would ever have a date, get married, divorced, or laid. Come on. I don't know who originally came up with this, perhaps Mother Theresa, I mean there was a reason she was a nun, not too cute to look at, but guys are not intimidated by much. And if they were by girls, would we want to date those men anyway? Um, big fat NO. I have dated in recent years, and quite honestly, if you can't take my smart mouth, you are not the guy for me. And my sister and friends would eat you up. And no, I don't miraculously change once we sleep together. Why do people feel the need to change someone they are dating? Excuse me, if you liked my personality before, and I haven't changed it, why are you wanting to change it now? No girl wants the 'whatever you say' guy, if she does she means every once in awhile or when she is trying to get her way. I dated this one boyfriend on and off for about 5 years. The first time we dated, I dated him to get over another guy. My lead male friend said this was the way to get over a love. Anyhoo, Xbf was a 'yes' man the first time. After about two weeks of getting my way, I was done. Look, if I can walk all over you? I'm bored and you are no longer my chew toy. We ladies also don't like the 'my way or the highway' guy either. We like the guy who puts us in our place, but still lets us be who we are. We want the 'give and take' guy. In my case, if I should happen to make a smart ass comment, at your expense, I am inviting you to join my volley. If you let it whiz past you, it will be ok for a few, but then, you've lost my interest and I am looking for the next hunk of love to spar with. I hope you all know that when I say 'spar', 'volley' I am talking conversation wise, I am not into being hit, and I don't know any who are, unless it's for a specific game,  and you all know what I mean. :)

The birds and the bees

My mum is a nurse. So when it came for the Sex talk, she brought out the big guns. She had this 3 sided information board, with pictures for your embarrassment. Now she would probably do it via Power Point, so I should be thankful. I was barely listening for this talk because it was beyond horrifying. I would have rather been decapitated than listening to her tell me, 'woman's va ja-ja' and a "mans penis". I mean come on. I will tell you, I'm not one of those girls who sits around with her girls and discusses sex either. Unless, I've had a few cocktails with shots, then all bets are off. Over the years I have had several group of girls who would just say stuff about their sex life and I would try not to have the deer in headlight look. Thankfully, I have one of my besties who's right there with me so I'm not the odd girl out, unless she isn't there and then it's "oh, wow, look at the time!" My mum was very pleased when my sister would want to discuss her body, sex , boys etc with her. Even now I want to run. They found great pleasure coming into my bedroom, flopping on the bed and bringing it up while I was getting ready to go out. Really people? Ew. My mum would ask 'what are you going to do when you have children?' My answer was always the same, that's what their dad is for. 'What about girls?' She will have you and your deranged daughter to scare the bejesus out of. I have two boys, and over the years, I would say 'hey, you have any questions you want mommy to answer' and thankfully they always said "NO!" But they know that if they have 'girl' questions mummy is here. Their dad talks with them, god knows I have no clue knowing what it's like to have a hard on in class, or a woody when I wake up. The beauty of being a girl, no one can see if you're turned on. lol....Both of them had "Health" class in middle school that pretty much scared the living hell out of them so we were both off the hook with approaching the subject. Sometimes when they do give me grief, I think, hmmmm, these two need a sex education class with GRANDMA, then they will appreciate how I say nothing. Perhaps I should work on that for Spencer's 14th birthday coming up. I will tell my mum to get working on that Power Point for them. hahahahahahahahahahah

Boobs

So I was mowing the lawn and this hornet had the audacity to sting me. The nerve! This got me to thinking about boobs. Wait for it, it will connect in just a sec. Remember when we were little and people would call our "boobs" mosquito bites? (see how I did that, insects) Ok, so I realized that I was more than blessed at a very young age. I was in 3rd grade, yes people 3rd grade, and my teacher pulled me out of the classroom to tell me that my mom needed to take me shopping for a bra. SAY WHAT??? Imagine the horror I felt going back into the class after being told my white shirt was see through. M-hm, I know what you are thinking, well I know what the guys are thinking. That night my mum gleefully took me shopping. I say gleefully because I dressed very plain. We lived in South Florida, again hot. I would wear shorts and a matching top. My mum told me later that one of my teachers told her she feared I would be gay, due to the manly way I dressed. Really homophobe? I was not a dress type of girl, and especially if I was playing, who needs the torment of some boy seeing your underpants. Ick. Anyway, I believe we ended up at Sears, where they had a woman who would actually fit you for a bra. Again, imagine the horror. Not only do I not want my mother to see me topless but now this complete stranger was measuring me. And rest assured, we weren't talking training bra here, oh noooo, we were too large for a trainer like normal girls. Ok, fast forward to high school, I was a swimmer and there is nothing like hearing the boys talk about your 'natural flotation devices' when you placed in a race. That was lovely. One of my fave comments from my mum, we were getting yet another bra with precise measurement, and she told the woman that we didn't know from Adam, almost apologetically, that the reason my shoulders were so broad was due to my swimming the "butterfly". "Fly" and "backstroke" were my two best swims. And as I look at swimmers you can tell when the "fly" is their best stroke, they are  "broad as a barn" another motherism.