My Beloveds

Like any Mum, my children are my life, my deepest loves and my world. As they have aged I may not be with them as much as I once was, but they know I love, adore and live for them. When my first beloved, Skyler, was given to me, I had this instant feeling of not needing anyone else in the world. With him in my arms, he completed me. That's when I realized I no longer wanted to be married to his father. I had such an overwhelming love of immense strength, he was all I cared about. I stuck it out as I knew I wouldn't marry again and I didn't want him to be an only child. I was one for 10 years and as much as I complain about my sister, I really didn't like being a lone child. However, now maybe I wouldn't mind it. Just kidding Debra.

Skyler was the cutest, most out going child ever. (its my blog I can say what I want) No child was sweeter, more happy, or just plain animated than my Skyler. He was truly a gift from the Angels. I still believe both my sons are and I will go to the grave believing that. Since I thought my son was so perfect and fearless, I wanted him to model, the boy had/has the looks. When I took him in to audition for a local talent agency, she came back and asked to sign him for acting because he was so animated and without hesitation. His very first gig was when Children's Hospital and Scottish Rite merged, some 15 years ago. Skyler was just under 3 maybe just 4, but with this job he got his SAG card. When we got his royalty check we took him to Toys R Us and let him buy whatever he wanted. We explained to him that he worked for this reward but subsequent monies we would invest or save. The one thing my ex was always good at was picking investments and saving money. He continued on that path until he was around 8 or 9 then decided he didn't want to do it anymore. Okie dokie, whatever you want SkylerRoo.

Once he got to high school, he chose Drama as his extracurricular and took that all 4 years of school. Now again, I know EVERY mother says this, but this kid has talent. When he's on stage whether it be a Drama or a Comedy, he owns the stage. He has a presence and his speak is effortless. You honestly believe he is the character. He is now in his 2nd year of college, thank you Jesus, but there isn't a Drama course where he attends. I'm hoping he will gravitate back towards it. He is 6'2+ and I tell him he could walk the runway or do side modeling gigs or whatever he wants to do. I am not a stage mother by any means, I just want both my sons to be happy and fulfilled and do what they love doing for their careers.

Last night my second beloved, Spencer, graced the high school Drama stage for the very first time. His role was as the Giant. Again, I was so proud of the way he took command of the stage and knowing his lines and just having a blast being the Giant. I am a very humbled, proud, grateful Mum of my two boys. They will never get just how much I depend on their humor, sarcasm (oh yes, both are fluent) love and support. They are always a prize in my eyes.

Weekend in Chattavega

This past weekend would have been my parents 51st anniversary. Debra and I drove up Saturday afternoon to be with our Mum. These once special and happy days are really turning into days I want to avoid, but alas, I cannot. My denial only works for some things. I was OK until I got off at Mum's exit and I turn down a street with a church and the lovely cemetery faces the road. First choke up of the weekend. My Dad isn't even buried there nor was that their church they worshipped in. I allowed myself to cry while I drove to Mum's house and then stopped. After I took a nap, I did feel better even though I was sleeping in their bed on my Dad's side of the bed. Thankfully, that does not seem to bother me. It's more comforting.

After my sister gets there, which is always way after me because she is perpetually late, as I have established in prior blogs, the two Leo's want to go shopping. OH JOY! Because shopping is right up there with root canal for me. We hit the pharmacy, that had the oldest patrons I have ever seen in one place before, and I lived in Florida. They found a consignment shop they wanted to look at. Yay! We go in and they are looking at this old crap and that old crap and I am thinking in my head, "I could just go in the back and hang myself and end this torture." After about oohhhhh 40 minutes of buying nothing, we go to the hardware store for vacuum repair. Where BONUS they offer free popcorn. ;=.......Anyhoo, we get what we need and head to the grocery store, now grocery shopping I do not mind unless it was with my baby's daddy, he could make a quick run turn into an afternoon, horrible, horrific even. Where was I? Oh right, Publix, so we go and get food for our "anniversary" dinner for 3. Debra and I always have such good adventures in the grocery store and I don't even know why. But we always do and thankfully Saturday was no exception. We decide on filet's, green beans, french bread and of course a trio of small desserts. I grab beer and Debra heads next door to the wine store. Another place we can always get giggling at.

We are home and decide to watch one of all of our favorite moovies "A Christmas Carol" with Alastair Sims, my all time fave version. Debra is happily being Chef Diva and Mum and I are watching the moovie. I, of course, have already tapped into the beer. My niece Jane and her doggy Aunt Heidi are running around this ranch house and being idiots. Dinner comes and we sit and BAM here come my tears again. Now, when the "strong one" starts crying it turns the other two into puddles as well. Maybe I need to have my blood checked because this crying is not me, I don't like it, I don't want to do it and I'm tired of crying since April 11, 2012. I used to make fun of my Mum for crying at Kodak commercials when they came on the TV, and I would laugh when Deb would get teary over stupid things. Now, I'm the stupid, crying girl. Really pisses me off to be honest with you. I'm starting to believe they have become the "strong ones".  We enjoy the wonderful dinner that Deb made and the rest of the night was uneventful.

Our next hurdle with not be until April 11, 2013, I am already back ordering my tissues.

There's a Calm...ahhhhhh

As I have shared before, I believe in Paranormal, Angels and Psychics. I recently went to my psychic Denise, who is beyond wonderful. The very first time I went to see her was about 6 years ago. I had this pesky on/off relationship and for the life of me could not figure out why I kept taking him back. I check in with her annually unless I have a dilemma that I cannot remove myself from. Most times when I sit with her, I already know how it's going to turn out. I'm intuitive that way and know what I need to do/say but aren't ready to do so. And if I'm not ready to let it go or I think maybe it could have a different outcome, I will hold on. Even psychics make mistakes, your path can change daily. It's all in how you address or engage with others or even your own self, that discerns your course. And you may get sidetracked, but eventually you will resume the path you were meant to follow. Even if you don't want to. Those pesky angels and their agenda's honestly!

Yesterday was no exception in the 'thought so' department. Sometimes you cannot go and hear her if you are not ready to take what she says and follow through. The reason I prefer Denise over others I have been to over the years, oh yes, I said years people. Debra and I go to psychics like most go to therapists, fact. Except I'm not the crazy sister that needs to go every couple of months, OK fine, I did this past year but that's not my normal pattern, thank you! :).. Anyway, where was I? I get distracted so easily...SQUIRREL! Oh right, Denise always takes any anxiety or stomach bunch feeling I have and quiets it. Every single time I have gone in and was worried about the outcome, by the end of the session I feel so at peace and so centered that I can take on anything and anyone. Such is the case from my last visit. The things she gave me information on, I didn't really want to hear it, I sensed some of it, but you know when you meet people and have relationships, be it lovers, friends, family, all count as relationships, if you really trusted or liked that person(s) you want to believe they aren't lying to your face or maybe not treating you the way you thought they were. Denise brings a lot of credibility with her skills as well.  For example she foretold my Dad's illness a year before it happened, she has been dead right on past relationships I have had and she had given me information that I thought possibly couldn't be accurate only to find out, hey guess what idiot, it was factual.

 One thing my on/off ex did give me was closure. I know people scoff at that word, but when you are in love with someone or you really care about them, when it ends you need to know why. When I 'release' someone, (sounds so much better than dumped, no?) I give them the whole reason, not to hurt them but so I don't have to worry about them showing up at my door, calling from a blocked number or emailing me and/or seeing me out and confronting me. And because I do this with others, I sometimes, need it for myself. If i didn't care about the person than it's usually 'good riddance and F you too'. Said nicely of course, because my mother raised ladies, our Dad raised girls who could stand up for themselves and use expletives to make our point. My Mum raised us to be independent women, some would say too independent, but those are weak people and we don't need to discuss them.

Friends

We all have friends right? Did you know there are different levels of friends? Let's discuss shall we?

First you have that casual aquaintance, you know that person that wants to be your friend but you're kinda like, 'ummm not so much'. Then we have the instant friend, this is the person that you meet once and you know you were meant to be buds that would have some really good times and if things went well they could become a bestie. Another level of friendship is the person that you initially thought you would be buds with and then over the course of your time together, you have a conversation with yourself that usually begins with 'why do I even talk to that person?' Now, if you're me, you feel like on some level you have to keep this friend around. As I have discussed in other blogs, I believe in psychics and mine is quite good. After time with my friend I asked my guru 'why can I not let this person go?' and her reply was that 'we had previous lives together and you feel bound.' I'm guessing that's why I still talk with this person after all this time. But as of late, it really has become more of me asking myself  why. I may have to fade myself out of their life because it really is becoming hard to be positive about the friendship anymore.

 Recently, I encountered another type of friendship. One that was fast and all encompassing. It made me happy and I think it made my friend happy as well. Then suddenly as soon as it started we parted. And honestly, it made me quite sad. Because I had really become attached to this person, the things we discussed were things a lot of my besties don't know. Like a lot of my close friends, I trusted this person, I felt safe, loved and completely off guard with them. I know I have walked away from friendships in the past, but when this did happen it was due to an incident or betrayal. With this friend, I didn't have that, at least not that I'm aware of. And when you have a really close, trusted friend and they walk away from you, it's hard, really hard. I don't know that I've been this sad or heartbroken in a very long time. And quite honestly, I didn't miss this hurt. My friend is not the devil and I'm not trying to paint that picture, but whatever the reason, it ended by their hand and I'd like to think my friend is feeling a little down that it ended as well. I could be wrong, pfft, what am I saying, I'm never wrong.

My point is just that we do have people who float in and out of our lives, some stay for longer than a minute and others do not. Whatever the reason we have to cherish what we did have and appreciate the friends who still want to be with us. Through the years I've accumulated a very tight, close group of people I am proud to be friends with. They all know I would walk through fire for them, well until it started to burn then I'm out. I cannot mess up my hair! And my peeps know I blog with love even if it is poked at their expense sometimes. Kiss Kiss.

Childhood Memories

As I have stated before, my sister and I are 10, yes count them, 10 years apart. She looks good for being older, I know, however, before she grew into her swan like self, she was a clingy, (ok, she still is that) snot that I got to babysit, without pay I might add. One summer in the lovely heat that is South Florida, she decided she wanted to take herself outside to play. We grew up in this 2 story apartment complex that had a sand pit and beyond the pit was the Intercoastal Waterway. This particular day she went to play in the pit, which I could view from our balcony as we were on the backside of this complex. I think she was about 3-4 so that made me negative 13-14. I'm watching my shows because let's face it, South Florida in the Summer gets bloody hot and I HATE to sweat unless I'm at the beach or pool. Some time passes and there is a knock on our door, it's the freaking cops WITH Debra. I have a heart attack but the Po-Po really isn't interested in me, he wants to talk with our MOTHER. Now, one thing you should know and I tell my kids this, the grandmother that stands before you is NOT the Mother I grew up with. Age has relaxed and calmed her considerably. The thought of waking my Mum up, she was a Nurse who worked the graveyard shift, before her wake up time was terrifying. I think at one point I told the Po-Po to just take me in because jail would be safer for me. He wasn't buying it.

I wake Mum up and tell her something snazzy like the cops are here. She gets up, quite happily too I might add, NOT, and goes to the door where they proceed to tell her that they found this lovely toddler at the ice cream store about 1/2 mile from our complex. Now, to be fair, we went all the time, she knew where she was and she really wasn't in any danger, promise. The clerks at our ice cream store then called the lovely North Palm Beach Po-Po because they recognized her but didn't exactly know where she lived. Well, thank God for her ID bracelet because that's how the cops were able to bring her home. Now, this story is funny, at least I think, but the thought that either of my little love muffins walking a foot much less 1/2 mile, give or take, without an adult scares the begesus out of me. However, their Auntie Eh-Eh was not really afraid of anything or anybody and honestly, she was cute enough to have been abducted but thankfully, that was not in her cards. She would have looked good on the milk carton though. I know I got into trouble but I guess my butt has healed because I really don't remember what the punishment was. But, it is another fun memory to throw around the dinner table when we discuss what a brat Debra was and sometimes still can be, like all of us. :)

2012 Recap

How do I start this blog off? hmmmm, well, I should warn you that today I'm in a very pissy mood and reflecting on the year of 2012, has just made me even more so. Since my divorce, ok well a few years after the divorce, I have tried to be the positive, optimistic person who lets things slide, well guess what people, those days are GONE. I am throwing my sister Debra, the baton for being the 'nice sister' because I no longer want it nor do I think it helped me in anyway. Growing up and into adulthood, I was always cautious, aloof, and stood to the side to watch how people interact and their behavior, I still do this but if something went down a negative slant, I would try to make excuses or reasons for these behaviors. Almost like it wasn't really their faults they were azzholes, or retards, or douchebags. But no longer. If you act like an azzhole, you really are one, there was nothing that 'made' you this way, you choose to continue this personality trait and clearly, are comfortable being this way. Same with being a dumbarse and a douchebag. Really the latter no one can help because you didn't get there over night. It was a long process and some that I have met, have it down to a T. Sad, but true and again, I will no longer look the other way, or make excuses for it. I will go back to calling people out for their actions. Miss Nice Princess has left this freaking building and she is NOT returning. Heed my warning doubters. Now, as long as you play nice and act right, you won't have any issues or run ins with me. My inner circle is safe, for now. But cross me and I will no longer give you a pass because you are in my inner circle. I used to be a fairly good judge in character, but recent years have chipped away at that. I'm still ok, but not like I used to be. I promise you I will work hard to getting back to 100% in that area as well.

Let me recap my 2012, the year started with my fam celebrating my parents 50th Anniversary, God love them because I could barely make it to 10, but I digress. The party was a wonderful night of laughs, drinks, stories, drinks, and pictures of their last 50 years as a couple. My kids were there as well as some very good friends who made the drive up to Chattanooga and one who came all the way from Denver, my parents are those people that your friends want to celebrate with. Good times. That quickly fell when my Dad had a small but critical vein issue. He had this problem a few years ago and surgery and recovery were smooth and he was back to his one liners and wine. However, this second surgery didn't go as well and we lost him due to complications in April. I cry as I type this, as you really never think the loss of a parent could affect you as greatly as it does. Thankfully, we still have my Mum, and she had better go nowhere in 2013, or I will kill her. :)......I made some new friends this year that are very close to me now. I lost a few friends that weren't besties, but I had some years, good times and events with, that left my crew. I am a firm believer that 'Everything Happens For A Reason' and sometimes there is no reason, no rhyme, no closure. I wasn't devastated at the friendship that was lost, because if I were I would have reached out and tried to make amends. You just get to the point where all the drama these people create is too much and I like to live low key. I'm not a drama starter, sometimes my sister says I 'stir the pot' but really it's because I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes. We have already established I have no filter, well alcohol really turns that off. I don't do or say anything hurtful, I just may say stuff and then realize, 'whoops, maybe I shouldn't have said that', but guess what after turning 900 this year, I don't foresee that changing, sorry peeps.

In closing, I feel much better that I have 'vomited' onto this blog, I actually think I can continue to be the "nice sister", unless I'm in a situation where being the 'bad girl' is warranted. Peace, Love and Kiss Kiss to all. Muah!