Thursday, August 27, 2015

Suicide

I found out today that a most beloved friend, attempted to leave this world nearly a month ago. I cannot begin to tell you how devastated I am for me, his other friends and of course his poor family. He and I had discussed cutting out of here and we had a pact that if we ever felt that low, we would reach out no matter what time of day/night, we were there for each other. He made me promise to contact him if ever I found myself that despondent to living. Even though he didn't reach out to me, I feel as if I let him down.


Brian was the man who made me realize how miserable I was in my own marriage and gave me the courage to leave once and for all. I had toyed with the idea over the years but my ex was such a control freak that I knew it would take an army to get out. Brian gave me that oomph that I needed to see I was slowly dying within the marriage. We have been close friends ever since, and that's about 16 years now.


Brian was recently going through a divorce and the last communication we had was him telling me that he had moved into a new loft and giving me all the specs of the place. I now realize that his attempt to leave was a few days later. I knew what moving out and being all alone was about. When I divorced I left the house and moved into an apartment and it was the loneliest feeling ever. A one bedroom apartment after a 3 bedroom/2 bath house, was so revealing. When my kids weren't there I hated being there alone. It was small, dismal and very depressing. So when he told me he had moved I tried to talk up the benefits of being alone. I didn't want him to go through what I did. Clearly his was more lonely that I anticipated. When he left his house he left the step kids and his beloved dogs. I think if he had at least one of the dogs, he may have been able to weather the horrific feeling that overcame him that night.


I know we all have our highs and lows, some people don't get 'check out of dodge' low, but we all have our lonely periods. Thus why I got my beloved puppy, Gigi. Since they straightened out my hormones, I  am good. I don't think guys have the same kind of hormonal imbalance we lovely ladies endure at times.


All day I have done nothing but thought about Brian and his other friends and his poor mother. I can't even imagine how she is coping. But we Mom's are pretty strong when we have to be. He will have a very long road ahead of him to getting back to somewhat of a normal life, if that's even possible. I'm told that they still aren't clear just how much brain damage he may have incurred but he is having to relearn everything. That can't be a fun ride. I will pray for his family and for him that he does beat these crazy odds and comes back out on top. Knowing this guy, if anyone can do it, he has all the tools. He's amazing like that.


Till we meet again people, if you think about someone, tell them, if you worry about someone, tell them, if you need someone, TELL THEM. I knew something was wrong as Brian and I talked weekly and I couldn't get a hold of him but I just hoped he was that busy. Luckily an even better friend knew where he lived and when he couldn't reach him called the police and thus our Brian is still with us. Life really is that short and will pass or end in no time. Don't hesitate to let people know how you really feel, if you care about them. The worst that will happen is they will tell you "you are needy" or "give them a break". I'll take that over the alternative.



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