I don't care what age you are, disappointment never gets easier. As early as childhood when say you wanted to go play at a friend's house and you couldn't for whatever reason, you felt disappointed. I remember growing up and people would say things about others or do things that weren't very kind to others, and all involved would be hurt, confused and again disappointed. That feeling is one of the more hurtful feelings one can endure.
As you grow older your reasons for being disappointed with someone, a situation, an inanimate object all change, but your feelings never do. With disappointment or betrayal it all hurts the same. You watch the news and you are disappointed in the world, our culture, our people as a whole and it's the same hurt, the same wondering of why.
I always say how much I hate people, which my Mother loathes, but sorry, disappointment is one of those reasons. I let someone in and get close enough for me to care about them, their lives, kids, animals, other friends etc and then disappointment hits. Recently I was told that I bring drama, and hate and other fabulous feelings and this is why we were no longer friends. Ok, I can accept some of that blame, but I refuse to take it all. I have always said out loud, if I don't like someone, I cannot hide my feelings, never have and sorry, but at 900 years old, it doesn't look good for that to change now. If I have to lose more friends because they have sided with another friend, then so be it. I will never ask people to choose one friend over the other, but know that if you speak of this friend, I will not add to the conversation unless I stick up for them. But I wont be adding to the fire with more comments because then it gets back to others and I'm the bad guy.
Life is hard enough as it is without people adding their two cents to others friend relationships. We all know this but sometimes we get so invested in a person and we care so deeply for them and don't want to see them get hurt it backfires on us. Lesson learned. Keep your most intimate feelings to yourself. .
Happy Monday to all.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
You know you suck as a parent when......
I love my children, adore them even and spent many years, tears and money trying to have them but it doesn't matter how much you want a child sometimes you just have to face the fact that as hard as you tried to be everything you thought was a good parent, you fail. I have come to that bridge with mine. My sons are older and one is even technically, an adult, with the 'baby' only 5 months behind being an adult as well. My bestie had her first this past October and I remember all those baby days, then the toddler years, the snarky teen years, which I don't foresee mine ever growing out of, cant imagine why, and now adult years. This past Mother's Day I realized just how little my kids want to spend time with me. And don't sit there and read this and go 'Oh poor Alana' that's not what I'm looking for here. Just writing down my thoughts.....
When the divorce first happened, my youngest was barely two so he has never known living with both his parents whereas my older child was 7 and very aware of what was happening. He was and still is Team Dad, and my youngest was Team Mum, and that's ok. Even if the family stayed together I believe it would still be that way. Skyler and I not only look alike but we are too much alike and butt heads from time to time, where Spencer and I just flow together with each other, not at each other. We had equal time with the kids in the beginning. I had two days and every other weekend and he had the same. As Skyler got older he didn't want to spend the weekends with me so he stayed with his father, I fought it originally, but I realized if that's what he wants, then that's what I would give him. He still came over the week nights and we still did things like vacay's or moovies or whatever else I had planned.
Spencer on the other hand never wanted to leave me. So even on my off days, I would keep him and in the summer every weekend he would stay. I loved it because I knew one day all of that would end and he would get a life and want to stay more with his brother and be there. Middle school that day came. Again, I was ok with it as long as that made him happy. To this day they still both come over for dinners on 'my' nights and still alternate the holidays as it was written, and it works out well. Instead of me going out every other weekend it was changed to being able to meet up with my friends every weekend if wanted.
A few weeks ago Spencer was after school rehearsing for his awesome character Lurch so he didn't make it to my house for dinners but Skyler would roll over. I should've just stood at the end of the driveway and held a to go bag because he came in ate and then immediately left. Great seeing you too, thanks for carving a huge 15 minutes out of your day to hang with me.
Mother's Day was almost as quick. Spencer has always given me something, either a cookie cake, or flowers or a gift, Skyler's comments are either "that's from both of us" or "you have me, that's your gift". Spencer however, always states the gifts are solely from him as he paid and went to get whatever it was I received. They did pick me up and take me to lunch. When lunch was done it was like 'get out of the car as fast as you can lady' because I got hugs and then I turned to wave and poof, they were gone. It made me realize that I am not the Mum I thought I was. They love me because they have to, but they don't like me. If they did like me they would want to spend time with me. At least that's what I do when I like people, spend time with them. And I don't see myself as the annoying mother no one wants to be around.
Obviously, I have to work on that, but I can only do so much. I feel like I've been working to repair my relationship with Skyler since the divorce, I know he blames me, even though they both can see why I wanted out of the marriage. There is only so much a person can do to try to get another person to understand or care about it. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, lover or in my case my own flesh and blood. I just know each night I pray that I can somehow be a better Mum than I was today.
I know some parents understand how I feel. And if you don't then that means, you are doing a fantastic job and your kids like you as well as love you. I salute you and I'm envious.
Till the next time, hug hug, kiss kiss. And thank you for reading.
When the divorce first happened, my youngest was barely two so he has never known living with both his parents whereas my older child was 7 and very aware of what was happening. He was and still is Team Dad, and my youngest was Team Mum, and that's ok. Even if the family stayed together I believe it would still be that way. Skyler and I not only look alike but we are too much alike and butt heads from time to time, where Spencer and I just flow together with each other, not at each other. We had equal time with the kids in the beginning. I had two days and every other weekend and he had the same. As Skyler got older he didn't want to spend the weekends with me so he stayed with his father, I fought it originally, but I realized if that's what he wants, then that's what I would give him. He still came over the week nights and we still did things like vacay's or moovies or whatever else I had planned.
Spencer on the other hand never wanted to leave me. So even on my off days, I would keep him and in the summer every weekend he would stay. I loved it because I knew one day all of that would end and he would get a life and want to stay more with his brother and be there. Middle school that day came. Again, I was ok with it as long as that made him happy. To this day they still both come over for dinners on 'my' nights and still alternate the holidays as it was written, and it works out well. Instead of me going out every other weekend it was changed to being able to meet up with my friends every weekend if wanted.
A few weeks ago Spencer was after school rehearsing for his awesome character Lurch so he didn't make it to my house for dinners but Skyler would roll over. I should've just stood at the end of the driveway and held a to go bag because he came in ate and then immediately left. Great seeing you too, thanks for carving a huge 15 minutes out of your day to hang with me.
Mother's Day was almost as quick. Spencer has always given me something, either a cookie cake, or flowers or a gift, Skyler's comments are either "that's from both of us" or "you have me, that's your gift". Spencer however, always states the gifts are solely from him as he paid and went to get whatever it was I received. They did pick me up and take me to lunch. When lunch was done it was like 'get out of the car as fast as you can lady' because I got hugs and then I turned to wave and poof, they were gone. It made me realize that I am not the Mum I thought I was. They love me because they have to, but they don't like me. If they did like me they would want to spend time with me. At least that's what I do when I like people, spend time with them. And I don't see myself as the annoying mother no one wants to be around.
Obviously, I have to work on that, but I can only do so much. I feel like I've been working to repair my relationship with Skyler since the divorce, I know he blames me, even though they both can see why I wanted out of the marriage. There is only so much a person can do to try to get another person to understand or care about it. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, lover or in my case my own flesh and blood. I just know each night I pray that I can somehow be a better Mum than I was today.
I know some parents understand how I feel. And if you don't then that means, you are doing a fantastic job and your kids like you as well as love you. I salute you and I'm envious.
Till the next time, hug hug, kiss kiss. And thank you for reading.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
My new Puppy
As many of my local peeps know I have been wanting a French Bulldog for almost 2 years. This past weekend I finally got one. Her name is Princess Gigi Buttercup and she is now 11 weeks old. Like any new Mum, she is absolutely beautiful, smart, brilliant etc. She is cream and white with a white streak down her head to her pushed in nose. Meep. She is so fantastic that I created her very own FB page, because why wouldn't I? Who am I to deny the world her amazingness?
This week was filled with house training and introducing her to her feline brother and sister and her human brothers. I looked at adopting rescue's but a lot of them were 'no cats' and since I used to babysit an adult Frenchie and saw how he would try to eat the cats, I figured a puppy would be the best bet. I was correct! Gigi's breeder had a cat so she is so not interested in chasing them to eat them or bite them. She runs after them to play and they look at me like WTF Mum? But she's a complete angel and like her Mum and most of her aunts, she loves the sun. Every time we go out she does her business and lays in the sun. She is perfect. In a few weeks we are traveling down to FL for a beach trip. Frenchie's are not really fans of the heat but I'm not throwing her on the beach at noon to bake, so no worries my PETA friends. Not to mention, I will be going to get her a hat and sunglasses, DUH.
I look forward to watching her grow and learn each day. And you know how funny and interesting pets are.
This week was filled with house training and introducing her to her feline brother and sister and her human brothers. I looked at adopting rescue's but a lot of them were 'no cats' and since I used to babysit an adult Frenchie and saw how he would try to eat the cats, I figured a puppy would be the best bet. I was correct! Gigi's breeder had a cat so she is so not interested in chasing them to eat them or bite them. She runs after them to play and they look at me like WTF Mum? But she's a complete angel and like her Mum and most of her aunts, she loves the sun. Every time we go out she does her business and lays in the sun. She is perfect. In a few weeks we are traveling down to FL for a beach trip. Frenchie's are not really fans of the heat but I'm not throwing her on the beach at noon to bake, so no worries my PETA friends. Not to mention, I will be going to get her a hat and sunglasses, DUH.
I look forward to watching her grow and learn each day. And you know how funny and interesting pets are.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Pride
When I was growing up I swam for the high school and our country club. And like a good Mum, mine was in the stands every time. Dad rarely came as being in the dance business, nights were when people came in for lessons. I understood. If I had meets on the weekends, he would be there and then go play his 18 holes of golf. I always knew for any event that I had, my units would be there. When I was in high school I also was in the chorus, and my Mum hiked her cookies to the mall, or the school to be there for me. I was just a run of the mill singer, Mum was actually quite known for her pipes when she was younger. She would sing all over her home town.
When beloved #1 told me he wanted to be on TV, I said ok. I mean, he was so cute as a toddler who was I to deny the world his talent? I took him in for modeling and the agent told me he had so much personality she wanted to use him for acting. Uh, ok, I had no idea he was that outgoing or had that many expressions until I saw the tape for his audition. WOW is all I will say. First gig out of the gate he landed the Scottish Rite merge and is now known as Children's Hospital of Atlanta. He did TV and voice on the radio. AND it was a union job so he got his SAG card, all at the tender age of 3 1/2. He would do talent shows with his agent and her other clients and every time I would see him on stage I would tear up, I am just thinking about the memory of it. I was never the gooey, crying type until I had kids and even then it was only if my kids were involved. No sobbing at the Hallmark or Kodak commercials, however, I will admit that the Clydesdale ads do get me from time to time.
As beloved #1 got older he decided he didn't want to 'work' anymore and so he joined the band in middle school and then theatre in high school. His father, now divorced, and I would go to the performances, and my parents would drive down from Chattanooga to also attend. When his aunt was available she too would go. As the years progressed I would invite my close peeps to come see the wonder of Skyler and his talent. His Junior year he played this Psychiatrist and won a Best Supporting Actor, Oscar. I was so proud and that role was written for him. I mean this guy was sarcastic, brilliant, funny and just hilarious. His one line was the best part of the whole play. (No really, I didn't make that up like a proud Mum, ask anyone).
Now beloved #2 is in his Junior year of high school and he too did the band in middle school and now does the acting in high school. Last year they did a production of "The Little Mermaid" and Spencer played Chef Louie, and by God, he nailed it. He had the accent, the mannerisms and again I heard, "he stole the show". And like any good Mum I beamed and was beyond proud. Tonight Spencer is playing Lurch in "The Addams Family" production and I cannot wait to see him. He gets to sing a song and basically just grunt the whole show prior to his song. I asked if he knew his lines. Hee Hee, yeah, I'm witty like that. I could not be more prouder of either son and their actions and going after what they love doing. So many, including me, don't know what their passion is, they do.
And by the way, I did not bestow any talents on them, except maybe musically, but that I still concede comes from their Grandmum. I just gave them life, by way of being gutted, but you've heard that story before. :)
When beloved #1 told me he wanted to be on TV, I said ok. I mean, he was so cute as a toddler who was I to deny the world his talent? I took him in for modeling and the agent told me he had so much personality she wanted to use him for acting. Uh, ok, I had no idea he was that outgoing or had that many expressions until I saw the tape for his audition. WOW is all I will say. First gig out of the gate he landed the Scottish Rite merge and is now known as Children's Hospital of Atlanta. He did TV and voice on the radio. AND it was a union job so he got his SAG card, all at the tender age of 3 1/2. He would do talent shows with his agent and her other clients and every time I would see him on stage I would tear up, I am just thinking about the memory of it. I was never the gooey, crying type until I had kids and even then it was only if my kids were involved. No sobbing at the Hallmark or Kodak commercials, however, I will admit that the Clydesdale ads do get me from time to time.
As beloved #1 got older he decided he didn't want to 'work' anymore and so he joined the band in middle school and then theatre in high school. His father, now divorced, and I would go to the performances, and my parents would drive down from Chattanooga to also attend. When his aunt was available she too would go. As the years progressed I would invite my close peeps to come see the wonder of Skyler and his talent. His Junior year he played this Psychiatrist and won a Best Supporting Actor, Oscar. I was so proud and that role was written for him. I mean this guy was sarcastic, brilliant, funny and just hilarious. His one line was the best part of the whole play. (No really, I didn't make that up like a proud Mum, ask anyone).
Now beloved #2 is in his Junior year of high school and he too did the band in middle school and now does the acting in high school. Last year they did a production of "The Little Mermaid" and Spencer played Chef Louie, and by God, he nailed it. He had the accent, the mannerisms and again I heard, "he stole the show". And like any good Mum I beamed and was beyond proud. Tonight Spencer is playing Lurch in "The Addams Family" production and I cannot wait to see him. He gets to sing a song and basically just grunt the whole show prior to his song. I asked if he knew his lines. Hee Hee, yeah, I'm witty like that. I could not be more prouder of either son and their actions and going after what they love doing. So many, including me, don't know what their passion is, they do.
And by the way, I did not bestow any talents on them, except maybe musically, but that I still concede comes from their Grandmum. I just gave them life, by way of being gutted, but you've heard that story before. :)
Thursday, April 9, 2015
In my mind
Summer is here! This past weekend my pool peeps and I all got together to christen another Summer season. ahhhhhhhhhh. It was heavenly. Because the water still had a chill to it, we didn't swim but we did lay out. All of us were glistening with sunscreen and sun's kisses. It was divine actually. We had Trilla, and it was their pool, then we had Kashew, and Michelle and her friend and Candace and I. Candace and I were the first to arrive and we got the table cleaned up and set the food in the fridge and then we cracked open a cold one. Me an energy drink and her an adult beverage. The 3 other couples followed shortly there after.
By then it was really warm outside and two of the ladies stripped down to their bikini's bc they can rock those b*tches. The rest of us stayed in our clothes. I wore shorts and a tank so I was able to get tanned on my arms and legs and face. It was just pure delight. Being a FL girl, I love the beach but since I'm too far to drive to that each weekend, we do the pool, and that's ok. This particular pool is 5 minutes away from my house, so I love it even more. Plus this pool is where I met my Buford Shore, Matthew and Keith. It brings back fond memories for me as well. I was telling Candace how I met both of them and what fun we had a few years ago.
We all brought food to cook out and then we brought sides to share. The grill was a coal one so it took forever to heat up. Safe to say some people had baked potato al dente, if you know what I mean.
I cannot wait for this weekend and then subsequent weekends until Septemberish. Where more shenanigans, drinks, and food, and always big laughs will ensue. God bless the Summer and God Bless the pool we get to surround. I almost feel as giddy as Clark Griswald when he gets his Christmas lights all aglow. Thank you, thank you, thank you Universe for the great people I get to spend my weekends with.
Till we meet again, kiss kiss, hug hug. Muah!
By then it was really warm outside and two of the ladies stripped down to their bikini's bc they can rock those b*tches. The rest of us stayed in our clothes. I wore shorts and a tank so I was able to get tanned on my arms and legs and face. It was just pure delight. Being a FL girl, I love the beach but since I'm too far to drive to that each weekend, we do the pool, and that's ok. This particular pool is 5 minutes away from my house, so I love it even more. Plus this pool is where I met my Buford Shore, Matthew and Keith. It brings back fond memories for me as well. I was telling Candace how I met both of them and what fun we had a few years ago.
We all brought food to cook out and then we brought sides to share. The grill was a coal one so it took forever to heat up. Safe to say some people had baked potato al dente, if you know what I mean.
I cannot wait for this weekend and then subsequent weekends until Septemberish. Where more shenanigans, drinks, and food, and always big laughs will ensue. God bless the Summer and God Bless the pool we get to surround. I almost feel as giddy as Clark Griswald when he gets his Christmas lights all aglow. Thank you, thank you, thank you Universe for the great people I get to spend my weekends with.
Till we meet again, kiss kiss, hug hug. Muah!
Monday, March 23, 2015
Spring Brings All Things New....Right?
Is anybody else excited that Spring is finally here? My pool peeps and I have been doing the countdown for months. I love Winter and all the fun it brings, but this year we experienced cold with not a lot of snow. For me, if I'm going to freeze my booty off, at least throw this Princess some flipping snow. Make it worth my while, but oh noooo, we only got a sprinkling of snow flurries this year and I say "bah humbug!"......
Being in the lovely South, Spring brings in the bestest allergens ever, said no one. I take an antihistamine daily for my fur, dust, dander, grass, hickory and anything else you want to throw in there allergies, but some of my friends don't need that medication year round and some got caught with snuffy noses or runny noses or just plain sinus issues. All of which, are some fun things to deal with.
Spring is a renewing of the trees, flowers, animal babies and our sunny disposition for the pool/lake/beach. My group and I are already planning an outing. We are going to have sun, fun, food, good times maybe an adult beverage for those who drink and great belly laughs. Our pool days are well thought out events. The pool gets credit for bringing us all together again on the weekends. We can catch up, for those who have not seen each other since the warmer weather, and we can sit on decks and enjoy the views, the convo's and the people watching. Sometimes I'm sure, we are the entertainment for others especially when Matthew gets going on some tirade and then Thrilla, the big, quiet one, finally has enough and tells Matthew to just 'shut the hell up!' Hee hee.
Just that image is making me smile and laugh because you listen and shake your heads in disbelief of what is being said or you agree and take it to another level all the while enjoying a cold one and the pool.
That's what Spring is to me....Happy Easter everyone...Kiss Kiss Hug Hug...Muah
Being in the lovely South, Spring brings in the bestest allergens ever, said no one. I take an antihistamine daily for my fur, dust, dander, grass, hickory and anything else you want to throw in there allergies, but some of my friends don't need that medication year round and some got caught with snuffy noses or runny noses or just plain sinus issues. All of which, are some fun things to deal with.
Spring is a renewing of the trees, flowers, animal babies and our sunny disposition for the pool/lake/beach. My group and I are already planning an outing. We are going to have sun, fun, food, good times maybe an adult beverage for those who drink and great belly laughs. Our pool days are well thought out events. The pool gets credit for bringing us all together again on the weekends. We can catch up, for those who have not seen each other since the warmer weather, and we can sit on decks and enjoy the views, the convo's and the people watching. Sometimes I'm sure, we are the entertainment for others especially when Matthew gets going on some tirade and then Thrilla, the big, quiet one, finally has enough and tells Matthew to just 'shut the hell up!' Hee hee.
Just that image is making me smile and laugh because you listen and shake your heads in disbelief of what is being said or you agree and take it to another level all the while enjoying a cold one and the pool.
That's what Spring is to me....Happy Easter everyone...Kiss Kiss Hug Hug...Muah
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Musings part deux
Do you notice that as you age you either are more tolerant or less tolerant of things in general? Let me explain. When I was younger, I could go from 0-50 in less than a minute in anger. I had no patience and even then, I had no tolerance for dumb arse drivers, as you know, that hasn't and probably will never change. Once my beloveds were born I had so much patience, and when I say 'so much' when you had none to begin with "so much" is a lot. I didn't like their dickhead friends, but I faked it. There are still very few children I do like much less adore, so if yours is one, you should feel honored, and I'm not joking, I'm dead serious.
Now that I'm 900+ years I really have no tolerance for stupidity, rudeness, back stabbing, fire starters, pot stirrers, etc. Once I find out that's what you are, or have been doing, ciao. I may not delete you from FB, but I won't be asking to hang with you either. If we were doing things and we aren't now, look inward.
I was having issues with energy, depression and other lovely ailments, but now that I am back to being me, I really do not want to spend time with people who annoy me, or do nothing but brag about themselves, or people who really, don't want to be true friends. That's cool! I have never been one who could fake my feelings one way or the other, and I still can't/don't/won't. As Dana Carvey would say when he imitated Pres Bush Sr, "Not gonna do it!" and you know why? Because I don't have to. Why would any of us keep people who are toxic, or backstabbing or just plain and simple, do not have our best interests at heart? There is no reason, quite honestly. It's not a healthy way to live and it's exhausting to pretend. Bleck.
When you meet me, you can see that the person you read on FB is the very same person standing in front of you. I have no filter, and I don't lie AND I'm not fake. I may spill about my personal life after an adult beverage or 4, but I will never spill your secrets. What you see is literally, what you are getting. Sarcastic, funny, protective, supportive, human and if I count you in my "inner circle" you should feel blessed because it does take a lot to get in there. Lately, it hasn't taken much to be removed from there either.
Bottom line kids, life is too short to not be happy and listen to your own inner monologue. Who knows you better than you? No one, just be opened to listening and you will find your happy.
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug and a special MUAH
Now that I'm 900+ years I really have no tolerance for stupidity, rudeness, back stabbing, fire starters, pot stirrers, etc. Once I find out that's what you are, or have been doing, ciao. I may not delete you from FB, but I won't be asking to hang with you either. If we were doing things and we aren't now, look inward.
I was having issues with energy, depression and other lovely ailments, but now that I am back to being me, I really do not want to spend time with people who annoy me, or do nothing but brag about themselves, or people who really, don't want to be true friends. That's cool! I have never been one who could fake my feelings one way or the other, and I still can't/don't/won't. As Dana Carvey would say when he imitated Pres Bush Sr, "Not gonna do it!" and you know why? Because I don't have to. Why would any of us keep people who are toxic, or backstabbing or just plain and simple, do not have our best interests at heart? There is no reason, quite honestly. It's not a healthy way to live and it's exhausting to pretend. Bleck.
When you meet me, you can see that the person you read on FB is the very same person standing in front of you. I have no filter, and I don't lie AND I'm not fake. I may spill about my personal life after an adult beverage or 4, but I will never spill your secrets. What you see is literally, what you are getting. Sarcastic, funny, protective, supportive, human and if I count you in my "inner circle" you should feel blessed because it does take a lot to get in there. Lately, it hasn't taken much to be removed from there either.
Bottom line kids, life is too short to not be happy and listen to your own inner monologue. Who knows you better than you? No one, just be opened to listening and you will find your happy.
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug and a special MUAH
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