I LOVE

Since I've done a blog about what I hate, why not do one of what I love. Here goes:

1. My beloved sons.

2. My Mum and even though he is physically gone, my Dad.

3. PANDA'S, I know this comes as a shock to all of you, but they are so cute, with their wittle ears and fluffy butts.

4. I love my inner circle. They are trustworthy, loving, loyal and above all put up with me and my cray cray moods.

5. I love going out to hear live bands, always have. You cannot get that entertainment value anywhere else than at a bar/nightclub. The people who think they can dance. the ones who know they can't but have fun anyway, and then the drunk ones. Continuously good fodder for me and my peeps. I also like watching the girls who are trying so hard not to look like they are trying to hard.  (yes, I know I'm evil, we have discussed this)

6. I love my kitties, even the hag one who is trying to kill me, and my guinea pigs. They are so sweet and furry and just so happy to see you. My cats aren't normal cats. When I walk away they follow me. If I go to bed, they take me up and then go back downstairs in the warmer months. Winter months they are on me like an ant on a Cheetos.

7. I love my car Esme. Her sunroof makes me happy, even when it's frickin 80 out, she is open and the a/c is blowing. My sons think I'm an idiot, but hey, last I checked, I was paying for Esme, not them.

8. I absolutely LOVE the beach. Except for the Pacific, that shizz is cold even in the Summer months. I'm quite happy with my lovely Atlantic and all she offers, the Gulf is nice as well.

9. I love sarcasm, and having fun with people. Again, this may be a huge shock to some of you, but there you are, I've let the cat out of the bag.

10. And to round this list out, I LOVE SPARKLY THINGS. I know, I know, you wonder why I always have glittery eye liner or sparkly eye shadow, now you know. Case solved.

I love all of you who read my blog. If I can bring some humor to your day, that's what I really love.

Pool time is upon us!

Growing up in FL, I adored, loved, lived for the sun and the beach. I still do, but since my units moved us to TN and then I moved around with my baby daddy and he refused to go to FL bc it was and I quote "flat, hot and ugly" however, ask me where he goes to vacay now and where he wants to retire to, yup, you guessed it. Whatevs, still not taking you back.....

Anyhoo, since I'm without a local beach, I have beloved friends who invite me to the pool, or I use "my pool" which is an apartment pool that I met all my pool buddies at years ago. "Buford Shore" guys, who now go by "Suwanee Shore" guys. Same mens, but different women and older, wiser loves.  Growing up can be positive, it's when you start looking aged that there is a problem, at least with me. But not everyone has my "issues".

So for the past few weeks, I have been able to hit my girl Michelle's pool, hers is a family pool where her house is. Then there is Matthew's pool, his is an apartment pool, but a mix of adults, kids, and young 20's. It's a nice variety. Matthew's girl has 3 adorable tots 2, 5 and 7, and they are so polite and so mannered, its a pleasure to be around them. I especially love the 2 yr old, cutest 2 yr old I know. He reminds me very much of my beloved #2. Just a tank, walks around like he owns the place, he's got his "swimmies" on and don't mess with him. And God forbid, do not put his watermelon on a plate. Silly me. lol...Spending time with them and Michelle's grand babies makes me long for another baby, and no not as in grandmother, since the doctor said I had the eggs of a 20 year old, why not, right? I can do sperm donor, then I won't have baby daddy drama. :)

So whatever you all do, for late Spring and Summer to enjoy your weekends, I hope it's just as pleasurable for you as my pooling is for me. Till I blog again, kisses and hugs...

Why I Blog

For those of you who don't know, I blog as a way of ridding myself of anger, frustration, hurt, and cleansing. I'm typically the type of person who keeps things inside and my outlet used to be cleaning, but when friends suggested blogging a few years ago, this has been very beneficial to me. It's also helpful for my inner circle when I don't share how my true feelings are, they find out here. And thankfully, none of them sit there and judge me, which is why they are in my inner circle. I'm always sad and feel like a death has occurred when I lose an inner circle person.

Even when they jack me over, after the anger subsides, the hurt ensues. When someone in my inner circle hurts me, it's quite painful because those in the inner circle, are trusted and given all kinds of insight that is me. Now, some of you may think that's arrogant and preposterous, but I can tell you, before you know me, I am a tough puzzle to crack and once you are allowed inside the barrier, I consider you there for life. Again, until you F*ck me over then you die, maybe not for real, but in my eyes, you are dead to me. This is just how I cope when someone hurts me, I need to think they are dead, so that I can let the pain go. One person asked me how he could get on the "dead list", I replied "say the word, and you will be there." His reply was "No, I want to die so I can come back." As I looked at this dork, I told him "There is no coming back from the dead. Once you are there, you stay. And if that's truly what you want, again, say the word." This person would rather not say anything though then have an adult conversation with you. And that's fine, different people cope and deal with things in different manners. I for one, want it out there. Others, like him, would rather you drift away so that if he changes his mind, he can come back without you saying "I thought you were done." Even with therapy, some people cannot change their behavior or how they manage relationships. I am not here to judge or condemn any of my friends. All I ever want is for my peeps to know they are loved and appreciated when they are in my world.

Dear....

Dear Self,

Enough of this pity party you have invited yourself to. Get off the couch, get out of bed, get your arse to work and become one with the population again. Stop thinking of 'what if's' and do what you CAN do, and that's control your behavior. You cannot control anyone else's attitudes, or how they deal with others, you do you Boo.

So you did a few stupid things, who hasn't? But the real feat is learning from said mistakes and not repeating them like a frickin idiot. If you were your friend, you would have already beat the living hell out of yourself for the things you did because sane you knows how retarded it is. And if it's one thing we cannot stand, is stupidity in people we care about.

Now, tomorrow you are going to wake up and jump your chubby arse out of bed and greet the morning with a huge HELLO because you have lived another day with your sons, your Mum, and your fabulous friends. Why they haven't pile drived you to the floor or drowned you in the pool, is beyond me. Seriously! SNAP OUT OF IT!

Your loving normal self,

Alana

Stupid things I regret.....

Have you ever had one of those relationships, that no matter what your normal thoughts are, you lose your head when it comes to them? Good, so I'm not alone then. In the past when I was done with someone, I was D O N E, no second guessing, no returning calls or texts or emails, just bah bye for you now. However, in the last 18 months, I have  had this toxicity that no matter how bad I view the treatment to me, much to my friends chagrin, I continue to have a relationship with this person. I recently stooped to an all new low. I texted him and told him I was stopping by to speak with him. HAVE I GONE MAD? I'm going with too many unanswered texts, a few too many brews and good times around a pool with my peeps, and I lost my senses. Did he answer the door you ask, no he did not.

When I woke up this morning I prayed I had dreamt that whole scenario, but alas, I did not. I did however, delete all the texts we have shared and next I will delete his phone number. I have this weird rule that if I haven't spoken with you in 6 months, I delete you as a contact. This part may be long overdue for him, but if I feel ready to do before 6 months, I will. I beat myself up pretty good about this transgression and as always my "inner circle" was super supportive. They almost made me feel like I wasn't a lunatic or a stalker. But I can promise this is one stupid regret that will never get repeated, LIKE EVER! .......Cue Taylor Swift's song "We are never".

Happy Monday Peeps, and remember if you've done something out of character, see why, I'm sure it's not you, it's all them. :)

I HATE

Since I'm trying to let certain things go is making me spiral ever lower into depression, I've decided to vent here in hopes it will finally release me of my pain.

I HATE that you are a self centered, selfish twat who thinks everything is about you.
I HATE that my kids and Mum have to feel like they need to pick sides.
I HATE that you eat dinner with my ex husband who has treated me like shizz for 30+ years.
I HATE that whenever any of my friends asks about you I get mad and want to punch you in the face.
I HATE that I did nothing to you yet I feel like I did something wrong.
I HATE that you fly through life as if we all owe you a god damn thing.
I HATE that you were the one person I could tell everything to and I no longer have that.
I HATE that I cry when I think about you and the good times we did have.
I HATE that the holidays are coming up and my kids and our Mum are going to feel torn.
I FUCKING HATE YOU.

October 4, 1997

16 beautiful years ago today, I was blessed with my second reason for living. My beloved Spencer Daniel Leslie Tisland came into my world. He was a giant ball of baby fluff, he weighed in at 10.5 pounds and 22 inches long. Yes, he walked out of the hospital 4 days later.

Spencer was originally due October 3, but he decided to hold out for October 4. I'm guessing because he knew his brother was born on a Friday, so he wanted to be born on Saturday, rivalry starts young people. Because he was so large, and I was a big ball of HUGE, I was sleeping on the recliner and so my water breaks, which was new to me since with Skyler it didn't. What they don't tell you is that when it breaks it continues to leak. I thought once it broke that was it. Oh noooo, every contraction more gushed out. By the time we get to Northside Hospital I was soaking wet and walking in like I had just gotten off a horse. We get checked in and it's early morning. They get me all set up like before except this precious gift was head down and stayed head down so we didn't have any automatic C-section talk, like his stubborn brother. 14 1/2 hours later, I had pushed for 2 hours consecutively, and every time I did, I kept thinking, somethings wrong, I feel like I'm going to pop something. At one point my MD comes in and tells the midwife to cut back on my epidural because she doesn't think I can feel the contractions. If I could have come off the bed I would have strangled that little Indian hobbit. Every time I pushed Spencer he would come down and then pop right back up, I'm told this is not normal. Gee, really? So after my Mum goes and has a chat with the midwife they decide I've suffered enough and prep me for yet another C-section. At least I know what to expect this go around. We get into the OR and they are working their magic and up comes this gigantic baby. No, seriously, 10 1/2 pounds is a 3 month old people, he was just so chubby and round headed, he was beautiful. When they measure his head circumference it was 12 and I about choked and asked them "um, if I only dilate to 10, how the hell was he gonna come out?' RRREALLLYYY!!!!!!????

 Thank GOD for C-sections, is all I could say. The best part was when the hobbit came into my room the next day, and my Mum and ex were there and she tells us that 'I should never have been pushing because of the cut from the last baby, I could have ruptured.' Now, my Mum is a nurse and when she heard this she came off the couch and ripped the hobbit a new one. Telling her how 'we could have lost the baby and her precious daughter.' Precious daughter would be me for those of you who know she has two daughters. :)....The convo I thought my Mum was going to kill someone was when my ex had the nerve to tell her 'I can't go through this again, that was just too brutal.' Mind you, he did nothing but hold my hand. Yeah, sounds tough for you big guy, let's gut you and see how 'brutal' that is. ;p

My son's and I have a unique numerical bond as well. I was born at 2:19 am, my first born was born on 2/19 at 10:04, and yes, if you paid attention you see Spencer was born ON 10/4. We are a tight knit group of Mum and sons. As I have stated here before, I would die, lie, cheat, kill, do anything for my sons. They are my heart, what's left of it, my soul and my body and no one can ever take that away. I thank the heavens for giving me such a sweet, kind, generous, compassionate child that is Spencer....Meep.