Depression Is.....

Not having the energy to do anything

Not wanting to be around anyone 

Not wanting to talk to anyone

Not wanting to feel anything

Not wanting to show anyone how sad you are

Not wanting to tell anyofne how "meh"  you feel

Not wanting to bother anyone with your "I don't know why I feel this way" talk

Not wanting to get out of bed....ever....or off the couch

Not wanting to deal with bills

Not wanting to be...(in severe cases) thankfully I'm not that blah

Depression is something that only people who suffer from it can understand. My friends don't get why I don't want to go to work but I may feel like shopping. Well, shopping is an escape from reality whereas working is not. Going to work is full on dealing with everything and depressed people don't want to do that. To be honest, you don't feel like doing anything even shopping sometimes. 

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping he has answers. A few years ago we thought it was a hormone imbalance because after he gave me the pills for that, I felt "fixed". But here we are four years later and I'm back to blah mode. I don't like blah mode. I feel bad for my beloved dog because she loves going for walks. When I feel like this, the thought of putting shoes on, getting her harness and leash on just seem so overwhelming, too much work. So we don't go. She snuggles on my lap while I watch tv. Really productive I know, but it's about all I can muster.

And listen, I don't blog about this for attention, I really abhor any form of that, unless it's my birthday and I'm all about cake. I have a great group of friends who would come over and try to "cheer me up". But again, depression isn't a break up with a guy, or a loss of any kind. You can't bring over wine and cake and cheer someone up. It doesn't work that way......but as always, I will be ok. Maybe it is time for some anti-depressants. As we age our bodies change and what used to work doesn't anymore. And that's ok, I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to harm myself, I couldn't do that to my kids. I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago and I'm still devastated. Which now that I say that, I always feel lost around this time of year. From February to his death April 11, I'm not myself. 

As always thank you for reading and listening. I blog to share my feelings in ways I normally wouldn't. It's easier to write down feelings than to look someone in the eye or on the phone and tell them how sad you are. I don't anyone to reach out and ask if they can do anything but honestly, there isn't. I know my friends are there for me if I should want to reach out. All my peeps are fantastic that way. 

Kiss Kiss Hug Hug. Life is short, make sure you enjoy what time you have left. :)

New Year And New Hopes...

Why is it every new year people ask what your resolutions are? Just because we embark on a brand new shiny January 1st, what makes that date different than say today? If we want to achieve certain goals or attain new attitudes there's no reason why we can't do that every new day, right?


According to the law of Google (honestly, how we ever existed without that reference just blows my mind) Babylonians started the tradition some 4,000 years ago but they didn't start in January but Mid-March when the crops were planted. They made promises to their God to return stolen items and pay their debt. That's actually great karma to start the year off with. A clean slate if you will. The Romans were said to pray to their god Janus, which is where January got it's name from. See, entertainment AND a history lesson all in one blog. You're welcome kids!


I gave up making resolutions years ago just like I gave up dieting. Let's face it, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. I have wobbled on the up and down weight scale like 90% of people and I know what to eat and what not to eat. But let's face it, sometimes Lays potato chips just taste so good. I also know you have to change up your routine with food and exercise to keep your body guessing so it doesn't become stagnate and anticipate thus no matter how good you eat, the weight doesn't move.


Being fluffy used to really get me down but as I've aged into the 900's, it no longer affects my mood. My favorite pair of jeans might not fit today but I know that I can get back into them when I want to. To me, their are more important things than being skinny. Healthy eating really does show up in your body and skin. I have done the "HCG" program and that is clean eating plus a boost daily. Clean eating does detox your body and I encourage anyone to eat that plan. It takes a few weeks to get used to your routine of no carbs, starches and some fruits/vegetables, but I always feel so much better. Take care of your insides and your outside will reflect it. Especially as you age. Your body has been working overtime and you want to feed it high octane fuel not regular unleaded. :)


In closing I say this as I always seem to end my blogs. Life is short, really short. Do what makes you happy, take care of yourself and your beloveds. Because it really does go by in a blink of an eye. Who knew our parents and grandparents were so smart? Well I did, because they were the best.


Hugs hugs, kiss kiss and may all of your dreams, resolutions and goals come true for each of you.

My Birthday Month Is The Best Month EVER

I love the month of November and I don't think it's because it's my birth month. November really brings fall to the area I live in. I'm in the south and I grew up really south in Florida. Now to be clear, I do not consider Florida as the old school south. When I hear that I think Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Louisiana. They have southern accents whereas in Florida most people sounded northern because they fled the north for the warmer climate.


Growing up in south FL, I really didn't see a whole lot of temperature change until December/January. Then it was in the 40-50's and lord knows I needed a jacket then. I still need a jacket for those days, who am I kidding? I live in the Atlanta area and we get four proper seasons, at least in the foliage sense. The leaves start turning in late October but they really finish in November.


Last year for Thanksgiving I was wearing shorts and a tank top while I was cooking dinner and turned the air conditioning on. I guess we can blame Global Warming. All reports I've seen this year have said we were going to have another  warmer winter than usual. I want some snow please. Not blizzard weather but some nice powdering, not too much as most people freak out over here and can't drive. Well, if I'm completely honest, most people can't drive year round but alert them of snow or ice and good lord, it's a catastrophe. :)


As I was saying my birth month is the best. November also gets you primed for the holidays. We have Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Election Day, Thanksgiving, Black Friday and now Cyber Monday.


Hope all of you have the bestest holiday month. Remember life is short so be nice and think outside the normal box. :)

But I can't do that...

When I was little I had this fantasy that I would be happily married with 2.5 kids, a dog and I would travel the world with my husband. And then.....reality hit. I was happily married and we did travel but not so much once the kids came along, only 2, I don't know where the .5 one went. :)


I had a pretty good childhood, adored my Dad had issues with my Mum occasionally, but I knew they were there and they loved me. After almost 10 years of bliss with me they decided to bring another child to our household. I wasn't super excited to welcome another but no one asked me until it was too late. She was supposed to be the boy Dad wanted, I was always supposed to be a girl. That tells you all you need to know about life after that child was born. hahahhaha...Anyhoo, we all adapted blah blah blah.


Once my now ex husband came into the picture my relationship with my Mum changed. Both are manipulative and think they are always right so dinners were always a good time with me in the middle. I have him on one side complaining that I didn't stick up for him and her on the other side telling me I needed to take up for the family. Once you marry and have kids the family dynamic you grew up with now changes to "your family" being your spouse and kids and the parents were now another subset of the family. No longer your core family. My marriage had issues and some were generated by my Mum. I would dread having to go to my parents house because I knew what would happen. It got to be so stressful that I started making excuses as to why we couldn't come up. At the time we lived about 2 hours away so they were close enough yet far enough away. While I may have had my problems with Mum she was and is the most amazing grandmother. I was lucky with her parents but my kids really hit the lotto with her. She has always been there for every event, birthday, holiday, surgery etc. They really have no complaints and I don't believe they do. Now the fun part starts.


Five and half years ago my beloved Dad passed. In the past when I had arguments with the sibling or Mum he was the one who would come to me and ask me to "fix this" because it was hard on him. After time I would acquiesce. I haven't spoken to my sibling in 4 years now and then because she would lie to me or tell the sibling my business, I haven't spoken to my Mum since January. Recently she was in the hospital to put a pacemaker in and now she's having kidney issues. My kids, understandably, are a wreck. My ex's parents were older and by the time he had my boys they were either passed or my kids were too young to remember meeting them. My parents are all my kids have had and now they only have their grandmother. I get that. I recall how devastated I was when I lost my maternal grandmother and then maternal grandfather 6 months later. My kids are lucky in that I lost mine at 16 and they still have my Mum and they are 20 and 24. I call that a win in my book.


My youngest is "appalled" at me that I don't speak with my "family" and he finds me "childish". Now, at the time this went down I told my oldest exactly what had transpired but not the youngest since I felt he was young and I didn't really want to skew his view of his grandmother. I reached out to both my sons last week as I was feeling some distance was being created. My oldest says he's good but he wishes I would reconnect with them and my youngest, well you see the quoted words.


I have had depression issues for years but didn't realize that's what it was until a few years ago. Last week I was in a depression spiral, but thanks to hormones I wasn't suicidal. I'm still struggling to get back to "me" but this issue with my sons hasn't helped that. Unlike others, I cannot just go and slap on a smile and pretend all is well, that's not me,  that's never been me and here we are.


 I finally get what Meat Loaf was saying when he sang "But I can't do that" from "Two out of Three" one of my all time fave songs.


As always kids, be kind, be happy and remove yourself from anything that doesn't help you achieve those goals. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug

People's Actions Tell Us Everything

I don't know about you, but initially, when you meet people they put on their best face. Some never waiver from that while others show us their truth within a few months or even years.


About fourish years ago I met someone that I knew but never "knew". For a few months it was almost fairy tale behavior to the point that I believed this was who he truly was. Silly me. As he later told me, he has many sides. And quite honestly, it was my fault for not believing him. Because he had shown me the good I would refuse to comprehend that the other "sides" were the real person. Obviously, we never want to see the bad in people, at least I don't. I really try and focus on seeing the good in everything and everyone, especially if I have put trust in you.


When I first meet someone I can tell instantly whether I like them or not. Some I've had to be around more but this person, I told things on a first meeting that people I've know for 20 years didn't know. That's not generally the girl I am. I felt connected to him and he told me things that I didn't think everyone knew either, I could be wrong. When it came to him I was very naïve and saw with blinders. And that's ok, you want to see the positive in people even if it's fake. We need to believe everyone can and will be good until they aren't. But this is where I went very wrong, when I saw the other sides, I didn't walk away then.


Our relationship changed from the initial one but I always told myself there was that good part and that's where I was foolish. Over the years I had seen other things that I was shocked or dismayed by but I still tried to believe it wasn't the real him. Unfortunately, I was very ignorant in that thinking. This past year has shown me that the person I initially met cannot last because that façade cannot be sustained for a long period of time. I take full responsibility and when we would have conversations and he would say "I told you..." I should have really taken that to heart, not just think he was fabricating. When some things are shined with a spot light though, then you have to "see". The universe has had enough of me seeing him with rose colored glasses. Even if I thought I was seeing correctly.


I am not innocent in my actions towards him over this period of time either. I have run my mouth and said things that should have stayed silent but I was hurt and I tend to lash out. I've learned if I want to spew I need to keep it very close to the vest. Making comments about another doesn't put me in a glowing light and that's not the person I strive to be. So if people have either a "lesson, a lifetime or a reason" for being in your life I learned many lessons. But it's ok, no one died, and I'm in a good place with myself.


Until we meet again, hugs hugs kiss kiss and remember life is too short to waste it on people or things that don't make you happy or question yourself. Love yourself more than you do others. It's not selfish.

Aging...Or Not

I can tell you that I never thought as I was growing up, I would become such a vain person with regards to aging. Now mind you, I never grew up saying I was ok with looking like the crypt keeper but I don't think I gave it a second thought either. My Mum was never focused on her looks, that I ever saw. I mean she always wore make up and dressed nicely but she wasn't obsessed about her looks in my formative years. It wasn't until I was in my teens and we moved to Chattanooga that I heard "are you wearing that?" or "aren't you going to put make up on?" comments. Growing up in FL we didn't really put make up on, at least I never had to. I was kissed by the suns glow, yes, I really did just say that and yes, I really did believe that, so I wore mascara and lip gloss and out I went. That was my make up ritual. If I tried to put on my Bonnie Bell blush I looked like a flipping clown because my cheeks were already rosy from the heat. It was hard to be me back in my teens. But don't get too jealous, my hair was probably 3 feet wide from the humidity so I wasn't all sexiness, don't you fret. I wasn't completely hideous but I wasn't my besties either. Anyhoo, I'm getting off track....


Now that I'm in my Jurassic period of age, I would definitely do more nip/tuck if I could afford it. And botox is my friend, however, he hasn't been in almost a year. But that's ok, he will be again shortly. I have an interview at the Claremont in the next week or so, keep your fingers crossed peeps. Gigi needs a passport so we can travel. hahahahhaha. Have adorable frenchie, will travel. :)


In conclusion, age really is nothing but a number, I firmly believe this. When I do tell people my age they think I'm lying. I promise you I would not age myself for kicks. I used to lie about my age when I first turned 40. I had such a hard time with that year. Turning 900 really didn't faze me, I couldn't even tell you why, but it didn't. So there we are. As long as you don't feel your age and you are doing fun things that you enjoy and hanging with people that make you laugh, and entertain you on all levels, who cares how old you are? I mean really, does it matter? I say not. If it matters to others you don't need them around. They don't deserve your time, your attention or your fabulousness.


Until we meet again, hug hug, kiss kiss. Life is short, be kind, it matters.

Dating Tips I've Learned....

Sometimes things we think we know we really don't know and then we freak and panic and wonder what to do. Lucky for me I have people to bounce my horrible texting ideas to and sometimes I listen and more often than not, I do what I want. LOL. Let's see if I can assist others in not making some crucial mistakes, shall we?


1. No matter how excited you get don't show your complete joy. You can show happiness without peeing on yourself like a puppy.


2. If you send a text, wait for an answer before you submit another text. You don't want to bombard someone with multiple texts making you appear as if you have nothing else going on in your life and now you come off as a stalker or stalker to be.


3. DO NOT and I cannot stress this one enough, if you have gone out with a person and it was a pleasant experience but you don't know how the other person is feeling, don't ask what they wear to bed, or to the pool or what kind of underwear they sport. It was one date, you have more time to get there. As a woman all I see is you are thinking nothing but sex and if I was even remotely wanting to go out with you a second time, you just killed it.


4. If someone tells you their natural color is red, don't immediately look at their roots. Bad form and you just lost their interest. And for heaven's sake do not ask them if their 'curtains match their rug'. OMG.


5. If you are digging someone, doesn't matter if they are male or female but they tell you not to fall for them because they will break your heart LISTEN TO THEM. They know themselves and aren't trying to make themselves sound like a catch. RUN FORREST RUN. Now, if you feel you have already fallen and feel like you might as well sleep with them, then go right ahead. At least get a good story and life is short. You never know when you'll get laid again. :)


Kiss Kiss Hug Hug and much love to you all. Remember, today is all we have, make it a day you enjoy!