I have always had dogs growing up and in my adult life. When I met my ex husband, he had been raised on a farm in northern Minnesota (as in so close to Canada he could spit) and always had barn yard cats. I never had cats until I met him. I got him a rescue that he named Sambo, and yes, he was a black male with a rat looking tail. Sweetest baby though. We each had a Chow Chow while we were together and then over the years many a cat we enjoyed. Nine lives my booty.
Anyhoo, as I realized that working in the corporate jungle was no longer good for my mental & physical health, I wondered what could I do to subsidize my income as I contemplated early retirement. I spoke with many a friend and told them my dilemma and several asked "Well, what makes you happy? What do you enjoy?" and I always replied "I enjoy taking care of Stitch, maybe I could do that for others dogs." And several months later I saw an ad for Rover.Com which I liken to UBER for people who need dog care. Since my first dog sitting in November 2017, I have had a pretty steady traffic in clients. Some dogs I really enjoy and others are more of a challenge to like. None have been nasty or aggressive, but since my beloved Gigi is a frenchie, she's small. I can put things on the table or the counter without issue. Not so much with most of the dogs I have been watching. Most are tall breeds, and again, all are super sweet and lovable it just took one big dog to teach me to put crap up. And by crap I mean dog food, my food, bread, candles you know.
I do really look forward to meeting the dogs and their pawrents. I have learned on this site that if they can afford the rates the company charges, these are spoiled pups like my G. I always send daily photos or videos because I would want the assurance my "baby" was doing well. Gigi is such an easy going gal and gets along with everyone, so bringing other dogs into her home is no big deal. She enjoys having friends come over and play and run outside with. If I have her and another I will walk them. I found out trying to walk 4 dogs was a flipping nightmare and I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed watching me trying to wrangle a pack of two small dogs with two big dogs without falling on my arse. I will say that was a nice workout though. Lord, I think I got more exercise than they did. :)
As always Kiss Kiss Hug Hug and Woof Woof for all the doggies.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Confessions Of A Beloved Dog
Since Mummy always dresses me in mostly pink, I will use her signature color as well. In case you are wondering, yes, I Gigi Marie Buttercup do type. Mum just cut my nails so it's easier to do so. :)
Things you should know about my cray Mummy. She loves me to death, seriously people, like instead of calling DFACS, surely there is a department for OVERLOVED animals, right? After reviewing my Instagram account, um yes, I do have one, doesn't everyone? @gigi_the_frenchie_princess in case you were wondering. I have noticed that all us Frenchie pups have obsessed pawrents. I'm assuming it's because we are just so darn adorable.
Mum first came into my possession on a beautiful Saturday, May 1, 2015. I have been smothered every since. To say I am a spoiled baby would be an understatement but as my Grammie always says, "loving ain't spoling" so it must be true. Apparently, my Mum grew up in a household where all pets were treated as family. At least that's her excuse to me when she kisses me to death. Whatever, lady.
I have two human brothers that I see for weekly dinners. I can always tell when they are coming as Mum cooks up a full meal. She spoils them as well. But that's OK, that's what parents should do, or so I am told.
Occasionally, I get my boyfriend for the weekend or a week depending on his Dad's schedule. He is also a Frenchie and equally spoiled by Mum, much to his father's chagrin. (His Dad isn't as sweet as my Mum, just saying). I do adore bf's human brother though, he loves me and showers me with tons of attention when I see him too. Again, much to the contempt of his Dad. Mummy says we don't care what his Dad thinks because he's a....well I'm not allowed to curse so fill in the blanks. hee hee
Mum has been taking in other new friends when their pawrents go out of town. That's been fun because I have made a lot of new friends and some come back. Must be my winning personality that brings them back. Mum says it's my milkshake, whatever that is. Mummy is so odd sometimes but I do adore her and can't imagine my life without her. Unless I'm with my Aunt Susan and Uncle Frank. They treat me fabulously and may even give more attention than Mum does, if that's possible.
Bark Bark, snort snort, until Mummy lets me blog again. Hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!
Things you should know about my cray Mummy. She loves me to death, seriously people, like instead of calling DFACS, surely there is a department for OVERLOVED animals, right? After reviewing my Instagram account, um yes, I do have one, doesn't everyone? @gigi_the_frenchie_princess in case you were wondering. I have noticed that all us Frenchie pups have obsessed pawrents. I'm assuming it's because we are just so darn adorable.
Mum first came into my possession on a beautiful Saturday, May 1, 2015. I have been smothered every since. To say I am a spoiled baby would be an understatement but as my Grammie always says, "loving ain't spoling" so it must be true. Apparently, my Mum grew up in a household where all pets were treated as family. At least that's her excuse to me when she kisses me to death. Whatever, lady.
I have two human brothers that I see for weekly dinners. I can always tell when they are coming as Mum cooks up a full meal. She spoils them as well. But that's OK, that's what parents should do, or so I am told.
Occasionally, I get my boyfriend for the weekend or a week depending on his Dad's schedule. He is also a Frenchie and equally spoiled by Mum, much to his father's chagrin. (His Dad isn't as sweet as my Mum, just saying). I do adore bf's human brother though, he loves me and showers me with tons of attention when I see him too. Again, much to the contempt of his Dad. Mummy says we don't care what his Dad thinks because he's a....well I'm not allowed to curse so fill in the blanks. hee hee
Mum has been taking in other new friends when their pawrents go out of town. That's been fun because I have made a lot of new friends and some come back. Must be my winning personality that brings them back. Mum says it's my milkshake, whatever that is. Mummy is so odd sometimes but I do adore her and can't imagine my life without her. Unless I'm with my Aunt Susan and Uncle Frank. They treat me fabulously and may even give more attention than Mum does, if that's possible.
Bark Bark, snort snort, until Mummy lets me blog again. Hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Death Of A Parent
April 11, 2012 felt the most pain I have ever endured in my life. And I had two C-sections. Six years ago tomorrow, I lost my father. I'm lucky in that I was there when he took his last breath. For that I will always be grateful. However, NO ONE can describe how great that pain, that emptiness is until it happens to you. I had lost both sets of grandparents and naively, I thought it would feel like that. I couldn't have been more wrong or stupid.
My father went in for what we thought, was a routine vein operation. I say "routine" because a few years earlier he had it on the other leg so we thought it would be no big deal for this leg. We were sadly wrong. We used to say my Dad had 9 lives like a cat. When I was a teen he stopped for cigarettes at a gas station and interrupted a burglary. He was shot in the finger but it bounced into his thigh. Because my Dad was a dancer by trade, his thigh was meatier than the average 40 year old. The bullet remained in his leg until his death. Like most kids, I thought my Dad was invincible. I mean, he survived being shot, nothing could bring him down, right? Wrong. A simple surgery took him. And I have never been the same since. Neither has my Mum and sibling. I no longer speak with either, but I know it was a hard loss for all of us.
April 10, 2012, my Mum called me and told me to get to Chattanooga, where they lived. The nurses in hospice had told my nurse Mum, this was it. He wouldn't be with us for much longer. I had just been there the weekend before celebrating Easter. I was able to speak with him and tell him how I felt. By the time I got there that Monday afternoon, my Mum needed to rest. We told her to go and we would stay with Dad for the evening. My sibling popped in her Ipod and we played Dad's favorite songs and retold our favorite stories we remembered. Since I'm 10 years older, I had more. But being 10 years older didn't make it easier when he did leave us. We talked to him, told him it was OK, we would take care of Mum and he could let go and be in peace.
April 11, 2012, around 4am the nurses called. His breathing was 'thready', it wouldn't be long. We all raced to dress and drive the 10 minutes to the hospice facility. We knew what was coming but none of us could fathom the grief or pain that was imminent, at least for me. Around 7am ish, my sibling thought it was going to be another false alarm and ran back to the house to get her laptop so she could do some work while we waited. While she was gone, he took his last breath. Me on his right side, Mum on his left. When the nurse proclaimed him gone, I let out this guttural scream and wondered who it was. I didn't realize it was me. I had never cried or screamed so loud before this. Probably because I had never felt this heart wrenching pain and overwhelming loss before this date. I wish this horror on no one. EVER.
Even though we all die, holding a person's hand while he passes is beyond painful however, I wouldn't trade being there for anything. I am thankful I was there when he said good bye. He may have been gone for 6 years but he is always with me and I talk to him all the time. In hindsight, I wish I had been a better daughter and made more of an effort to spend time with him. That is my curse to carry. I know he understood and has forgiven me. One day, I will forgive myself.
Hug Hug Kiss Kiss. Life is short. Make it count. For your own sanity.
My father went in for what we thought, was a routine vein operation. I say "routine" because a few years earlier he had it on the other leg so we thought it would be no big deal for this leg. We were sadly wrong. We used to say my Dad had 9 lives like a cat. When I was a teen he stopped for cigarettes at a gas station and interrupted a burglary. He was shot in the finger but it bounced into his thigh. Because my Dad was a dancer by trade, his thigh was meatier than the average 40 year old. The bullet remained in his leg until his death. Like most kids, I thought my Dad was invincible. I mean, he survived being shot, nothing could bring him down, right? Wrong. A simple surgery took him. And I have never been the same since. Neither has my Mum and sibling. I no longer speak with either, but I know it was a hard loss for all of us.
April 10, 2012, my Mum called me and told me to get to Chattanooga, where they lived. The nurses in hospice had told my nurse Mum, this was it. He wouldn't be with us for much longer. I had just been there the weekend before celebrating Easter. I was able to speak with him and tell him how I felt. By the time I got there that Monday afternoon, my Mum needed to rest. We told her to go and we would stay with Dad for the evening. My sibling popped in her Ipod and we played Dad's favorite songs and retold our favorite stories we remembered. Since I'm 10 years older, I had more. But being 10 years older didn't make it easier when he did leave us. We talked to him, told him it was OK, we would take care of Mum and he could let go and be in peace.
April 11, 2012, around 4am the nurses called. His breathing was 'thready', it wouldn't be long. We all raced to dress and drive the 10 minutes to the hospice facility. We knew what was coming but none of us could fathom the grief or pain that was imminent, at least for me. Around 7am ish, my sibling thought it was going to be another false alarm and ran back to the house to get her laptop so she could do some work while we waited. While she was gone, he took his last breath. Me on his right side, Mum on his left. When the nurse proclaimed him gone, I let out this guttural scream and wondered who it was. I didn't realize it was me. I had never cried or screamed so loud before this. Probably because I had never felt this heart wrenching pain and overwhelming loss before this date. I wish this horror on no one. EVER.
Even though we all die, holding a person's hand while he passes is beyond painful however, I wouldn't trade being there for anything. I am thankful I was there when he said good bye. He may have been gone for 6 years but he is always with me and I talk to him all the time. In hindsight, I wish I had been a better daughter and made more of an effort to spend time with him. That is my curse to carry. I know he understood and has forgiven me. One day, I will forgive myself.
Hug Hug Kiss Kiss. Life is short. Make it count. For your own sanity.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Depression Is.....
Not having the energy to do anything
Not wanting to be around anyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
Not wanting to feel anything
Not wanting to show anyone how sad you are
Not wanting to tell anyofne how "meh" you feel
Not wanting to bother anyone with your "I don't know why I feel this way" talk
Not wanting to get out of bed....ever....or off the couch
Not wanting to deal with bills
Not wanting to be...(in severe cases) thankfully I'm not that blah
Depression is something that only people who suffer from it can understand. My friends don't get why I don't want to go to work but I may feel like shopping. Well, shopping is an escape from reality whereas working is not. Going to work is full on dealing with everything and depressed people don't want to do that. To be honest, you don't feel like doing anything even shopping sometimes.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping he has answers. A few years ago we thought it was a hormone imbalance because after he gave me the pills for that, I felt "fixed". But here we are four years later and I'm back to blah mode. I don't like blah mode. I feel bad for my beloved dog because she loves going for walks. When I feel like this, the thought of putting shoes on, getting her harness and leash on just seem so overwhelming, too much work. So we don't go. She snuggles on my lap while I watch tv. Really productive I know, but it's about all I can muster.
And listen, I don't blog about this for attention, I really abhor any form of that, unless it's my birthday and I'm all about cake. I have a great group of friends who would come over and try to "cheer me up". But again, depression isn't a break up with a guy, or a loss of any kind. You can't bring over wine and cake and cheer someone up. It doesn't work that way......but as always, I will be ok. Maybe it is time for some anti-depressants. As we age our bodies change and what used to work doesn't anymore. And that's ok, I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to harm myself, I couldn't do that to my kids. I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago and I'm still devastated. Which now that I say that, I always feel lost around this time of year. From February to his death April 11, I'm not myself.
As always thank you for reading and listening. I blog to share my feelings in ways I normally wouldn't. It's easier to write down feelings than to look someone in the eye or on the phone and tell them how sad you are. I don't anyone to reach out and ask if they can do anything but honestly, there isn't. I know my friends are there for me if I should want to reach out. All my peeps are fantastic that way.
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug. Life is short, make sure you enjoy what time you have left. :)
Not wanting to be around anyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
Not wanting to feel anything
Not wanting to show anyone how sad you are
Not wanting to tell anyofne how "meh" you feel
Not wanting to bother anyone with your "I don't know why I feel this way" talk
Not wanting to get out of bed....ever....or off the couch
Not wanting to deal with bills
Not wanting to be...(in severe cases) thankfully I'm not that blah
Depression is something that only people who suffer from it can understand. My friends don't get why I don't want to go to work but I may feel like shopping. Well, shopping is an escape from reality whereas working is not. Going to work is full on dealing with everything and depressed people don't want to do that. To be honest, you don't feel like doing anything even shopping sometimes.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping he has answers. A few years ago we thought it was a hormone imbalance because after he gave me the pills for that, I felt "fixed". But here we are four years later and I'm back to blah mode. I don't like blah mode. I feel bad for my beloved dog because she loves going for walks. When I feel like this, the thought of putting shoes on, getting her harness and leash on just seem so overwhelming, too much work. So we don't go. She snuggles on my lap while I watch tv. Really productive I know, but it's about all I can muster.
And listen, I don't blog about this for attention, I really abhor any form of that, unless it's my birthday and I'm all about cake. I have a great group of friends who would come over and try to "cheer me up". But again, depression isn't a break up with a guy, or a loss of any kind. You can't bring over wine and cake and cheer someone up. It doesn't work that way......but as always, I will be ok. Maybe it is time for some anti-depressants. As we age our bodies change and what used to work doesn't anymore. And that's ok, I'm going to be ok. I'm not going to harm myself, I couldn't do that to my kids. I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago and I'm still devastated. Which now that I say that, I always feel lost around this time of year. From February to his death April 11, I'm not myself.
As always thank you for reading and listening. I blog to share my feelings in ways I normally wouldn't. It's easier to write down feelings than to look someone in the eye or on the phone and tell them how sad you are. I don't anyone to reach out and ask if they can do anything but honestly, there isn't. I know my friends are there for me if I should want to reach out. All my peeps are fantastic that way.
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug. Life is short, make sure you enjoy what time you have left. :)
Friday, January 12, 2018
New Year And New Hopes...
Why is it every new year people ask what your resolutions are? Just because we embark on a brand new shiny January 1st, what makes that date different than say today? If we want to achieve certain goals or attain new attitudes there's no reason why we can't do that every new day, right?
According to the law of Google (honestly, how we ever existed without that reference just blows my mind) Babylonians started the tradition some 4,000 years ago but they didn't start in January but Mid-March when the crops were planted. They made promises to their God to return stolen items and pay their debt. That's actually great karma to start the year off with. A clean slate if you will. The Romans were said to pray to their god Janus, which is where January got it's name from. See, entertainment AND a history lesson all in one blog. You're welcome kids!
I gave up making resolutions years ago just like I gave up dieting. Let's face it, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. I have wobbled on the up and down weight scale like 90% of people and I know what to eat and what not to eat. But let's face it, sometimes Lays potato chips just taste so good. I also know you have to change up your routine with food and exercise to keep your body guessing so it doesn't become stagnate and anticipate thus no matter how good you eat, the weight doesn't move.
Being fluffy used to really get me down but as I've aged into the 900's, it no longer affects my mood. My favorite pair of jeans might not fit today but I know that I can get back into them when I want to. To me, their are more important things than being skinny. Healthy eating really does show up in your body and skin. I have done the "HCG" program and that is clean eating plus a boost daily. Clean eating does detox your body and I encourage anyone to eat that plan. It takes a few weeks to get used to your routine of no carbs, starches and some fruits/vegetables, but I always feel so much better. Take care of your insides and your outside will reflect it. Especially as you age. Your body has been working overtime and you want to feed it high octane fuel not regular unleaded. :)
In closing I say this as I always seem to end my blogs. Life is short, really short. Do what makes you happy, take care of yourself and your beloveds. Because it really does go by in a blink of an eye. Who knew our parents and grandparents were so smart? Well I did, because they were the best.
Hugs hugs, kiss kiss and may all of your dreams, resolutions and goals come true for each of you.
According to the law of Google (honestly, how we ever existed without that reference just blows my mind) Babylonians started the tradition some 4,000 years ago but they didn't start in January but Mid-March when the crops were planted. They made promises to their God to return stolen items and pay their debt. That's actually great karma to start the year off with. A clean slate if you will. The Romans were said to pray to their god Janus, which is where January got it's name from. See, entertainment AND a history lesson all in one blog. You're welcome kids!
I gave up making resolutions years ago just like I gave up dieting. Let's face it, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. I have wobbled on the up and down weight scale like 90% of people and I know what to eat and what not to eat. But let's face it, sometimes Lays potato chips just taste so good. I also know you have to change up your routine with food and exercise to keep your body guessing so it doesn't become stagnate and anticipate thus no matter how good you eat, the weight doesn't move.
Being fluffy used to really get me down but as I've aged into the 900's, it no longer affects my mood. My favorite pair of jeans might not fit today but I know that I can get back into them when I want to. To me, their are more important things than being skinny. Healthy eating really does show up in your body and skin. I have done the "HCG" program and that is clean eating plus a boost daily. Clean eating does detox your body and I encourage anyone to eat that plan. It takes a few weeks to get used to your routine of no carbs, starches and some fruits/vegetables, but I always feel so much better. Take care of your insides and your outside will reflect it. Especially as you age. Your body has been working overtime and you want to feed it high octane fuel not regular unleaded. :)
In closing I say this as I always seem to end my blogs. Life is short, really short. Do what makes you happy, take care of yourself and your beloveds. Because it really does go by in a blink of an eye. Who knew our parents and grandparents were so smart? Well I did, because they were the best.
Hugs hugs, kiss kiss and may all of your dreams, resolutions and goals come true for each of you.
Friday, November 3, 2017
My Birthday Month Is The Best Month EVER
I love the month of November and I don't think it's because it's my birth month. November really brings fall to the area I live in. I'm in the south and I grew up really south in Florida. Now to be clear, I do not consider Florida as the old school south. When I hear that I think Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Louisiana. They have southern accents whereas in Florida most people sounded northern because they fled the north for the warmer climate.
Growing up in south FL, I really didn't see a whole lot of temperature change until December/January. Then it was in the 40-50's and lord knows I needed a jacket then. I still need a jacket for those days, who am I kidding? I live in the Atlanta area and we get four proper seasons, at least in the foliage sense. The leaves start turning in late October but they really finish in November.
Last year for Thanksgiving I was wearing shorts and a tank top while I was cooking dinner and turned the air conditioning on. I guess we can blame Global Warming. All reports I've seen this year have said we were going to have another warmer winter than usual. I want some snow please. Not blizzard weather but some nice powdering, not too much as most people freak out over here and can't drive. Well, if I'm completely honest, most people can't drive year round but alert them of snow or ice and good lord, it's a catastrophe. :)
As I was saying my birth month is the best. November also gets you primed for the holidays. We have Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Election Day, Thanksgiving, Black Friday and now Cyber Monday.
Hope all of you have the bestest holiday month. Remember life is short so be nice and think outside the normal box. :)
Growing up in south FL, I really didn't see a whole lot of temperature change until December/January. Then it was in the 40-50's and lord knows I needed a jacket then. I still need a jacket for those days, who am I kidding? I live in the Atlanta area and we get four proper seasons, at least in the foliage sense. The leaves start turning in late October but they really finish in November.
Last year for Thanksgiving I was wearing shorts and a tank top while I was cooking dinner and turned the air conditioning on. I guess we can blame Global Warming. All reports I've seen this year have said we were going to have another warmer winter than usual. I want some snow please. Not blizzard weather but some nice powdering, not too much as most people freak out over here and can't drive. Well, if I'm completely honest, most people can't drive year round but alert them of snow or ice and good lord, it's a catastrophe. :)
As I was saying my birth month is the best. November also gets you primed for the holidays. We have Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Election Day, Thanksgiving, Black Friday and now Cyber Monday.
Hope all of you have the bestest holiday month. Remember life is short so be nice and think outside the normal box. :)
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
But I can't do that...
When I was little I had this fantasy that I would be happily married with 2.5 kids, a dog and I would travel the world with my husband. And then.....reality hit. I was happily married and we did travel but not so much once the kids came along, only 2, I don't know where the .5 one went. :)
I had a pretty good childhood, adored my Dad had issues with my Mum occasionally, but I knew they were there and they loved me. After almost 10 years of bliss with me they decided to bring another child to our household. I wasn't super excited to welcome another but no one asked me until it was too late. She was supposed to be the boy Dad wanted, I was always supposed to be a girl. That tells you all you need to know about life after that child was born. hahahhaha...Anyhoo, we all adapted blah blah blah.
Once my now ex husband came into the picture my relationship with my Mum changed. Both are manipulative and think they are always right so dinners were always a good time with me in the middle. I have him on one side complaining that I didn't stick up for him and her on the other side telling me I needed to take up for the family. Once you marry and have kids the family dynamic you grew up with now changes to "your family" being your spouse and kids and the parents were now another subset of the family. No longer your core family. My marriage had issues and some were generated by my Mum. I would dread having to go to my parents house because I knew what would happen. It got to be so stressful that I started making excuses as to why we couldn't come up. At the time we lived about 2 hours away so they were close enough yet far enough away. While I may have had my problems with Mum she was and is the most amazing grandmother. I was lucky with her parents but my kids really hit the lotto with her. She has always been there for every event, birthday, holiday, surgery etc. They really have no complaints and I don't believe they do. Now the fun part starts.
Five and half years ago my beloved Dad passed. In the past when I had arguments with the sibling or Mum he was the one who would come to me and ask me to "fix this" because it was hard on him. After time I would acquiesce. I haven't spoken to my sibling in 4 years now and then because she would lie to me or tell the sibling my business, I haven't spoken to my Mum since January. Recently she was in the hospital to put a pacemaker in and now she's having kidney issues. My kids, understandably, are a wreck. My ex's parents were older and by the time he had my boys they were either passed or my kids were too young to remember meeting them. My parents are all my kids have had and now they only have their grandmother. I get that. I recall how devastated I was when I lost my maternal grandmother and then maternal grandfather 6 months later. My kids are lucky in that I lost mine at 16 and they still have my Mum and they are 20 and 24. I call that a win in my book.
My youngest is "appalled" at me that I don't speak with my "family" and he finds me "childish". Now, at the time this went down I told my oldest exactly what had transpired but not the youngest since I felt he was young and I didn't really want to skew his view of his grandmother. I reached out to both my sons last week as I was feeling some distance was being created. My oldest says he's good but he wishes I would reconnect with them and my youngest, well you see the quoted words.
I have had depression issues for years but didn't realize that's what it was until a few years ago. Last week I was in a depression spiral, but thanks to hormones I wasn't suicidal. I'm still struggling to get back to "me" but this issue with my sons hasn't helped that. Unlike others, I cannot just go and slap on a smile and pretend all is well, that's not me, that's never been me and here we are.
I finally get what Meat Loaf was saying when he sang "But I can't do that" from "Two out of Three" one of my all time fave songs.
As always kids, be kind, be happy and remove yourself from anything that doesn't help you achieve those goals. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug
I had a pretty good childhood, adored my Dad had issues with my Mum occasionally, but I knew they were there and they loved me. After almost 10 years of bliss with me they decided to bring another child to our household. I wasn't super excited to welcome another but no one asked me until it was too late. She was supposed to be the boy Dad wanted, I was always supposed to be a girl. That tells you all you need to know about life after that child was born. hahahhaha...Anyhoo, we all adapted blah blah blah.
Once my now ex husband came into the picture my relationship with my Mum changed. Both are manipulative and think they are always right so dinners were always a good time with me in the middle. I have him on one side complaining that I didn't stick up for him and her on the other side telling me I needed to take up for the family. Once you marry and have kids the family dynamic you grew up with now changes to "your family" being your spouse and kids and the parents were now another subset of the family. No longer your core family. My marriage had issues and some were generated by my Mum. I would dread having to go to my parents house because I knew what would happen. It got to be so stressful that I started making excuses as to why we couldn't come up. At the time we lived about 2 hours away so they were close enough yet far enough away. While I may have had my problems with Mum she was and is the most amazing grandmother. I was lucky with her parents but my kids really hit the lotto with her. She has always been there for every event, birthday, holiday, surgery etc. They really have no complaints and I don't believe they do. Now the fun part starts.
Five and half years ago my beloved Dad passed. In the past when I had arguments with the sibling or Mum he was the one who would come to me and ask me to "fix this" because it was hard on him. After time I would acquiesce. I haven't spoken to my sibling in 4 years now and then because she would lie to me or tell the sibling my business, I haven't spoken to my Mum since January. Recently she was in the hospital to put a pacemaker in and now she's having kidney issues. My kids, understandably, are a wreck. My ex's parents were older and by the time he had my boys they were either passed or my kids were too young to remember meeting them. My parents are all my kids have had and now they only have their grandmother. I get that. I recall how devastated I was when I lost my maternal grandmother and then maternal grandfather 6 months later. My kids are lucky in that I lost mine at 16 and they still have my Mum and they are 20 and 24. I call that a win in my book.
My youngest is "appalled" at me that I don't speak with my "family" and he finds me "childish". Now, at the time this went down I told my oldest exactly what had transpired but not the youngest since I felt he was young and I didn't really want to skew his view of his grandmother. I reached out to both my sons last week as I was feeling some distance was being created. My oldest says he's good but he wishes I would reconnect with them and my youngest, well you see the quoted words.
I have had depression issues for years but didn't realize that's what it was until a few years ago. Last week I was in a depression spiral, but thanks to hormones I wasn't suicidal. I'm still struggling to get back to "me" but this issue with my sons hasn't helped that. Unlike others, I cannot just go and slap on a smile and pretend all is well, that's not me, that's never been me and here we are.
I finally get what Meat Loaf was saying when he sang "But I can't do that" from "Two out of Three" one of my all time fave songs.
As always kids, be kind, be happy and remove yourself from anything that doesn't help you achieve those goals. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)